Broken To No Return
by xxLostxLovexx
Summary: I used to be popular. Untill he happened. Now i'm nothing. I have no one. And its all because of one party, One boy, One phone call.
1. Chapter 1

People never say what they mean. Like Grandparents for example. Let's say your grandmother buys you a hideous sweater you will never wear in your entire life. When she says,

"If you don't like it you can always return it." she really means,

"You better be wearing' that thing next time I see you."

And sometimes, your parents might say,

"I'm going to the grocery store, do you want to come?"

What they _really_ mean is, "You're going to the grocery store with me whether you like it or not."

It's peer pressure. I suppose they want to sound nice, but we're not stupid. We know what they really mean.

At least, most of us do. I've had plenty of experience with people that don't say what they mean. After it happened, my friends told me it was ok. _That they forgave me._

It wasn't.

They didn't.

They didn't know.

They never would. I'm sure as hell not going tell them.

So that was how, on my first day of high school, I ended up at the bus stop alone, in an itchy long-sleeved, incredibly warm, maroon sweater, with no friends and a migraine. I could already tell how well this year was going to be.

The bus pulled up, but I just stood there.

"Are you going to get on?" The bus driver asked me, in a monotone voice, like he absolutely hated his job and just wanted to get it over with. He probably did.

I got on the bus like he asked.

I went to the very back of the bus. It seemed like it went on forever. I sat down at the end of the continuous yellow not the last seat, though, the one in front of it. When you sit in the last seat, you stick out more, and that was exactly what I was trying not to do.

I stared out the window and tried not to do it. I didn't want to. It hurt too much.

But no matter how much I tried not to, I did.

I_ remembered_.

I _always_ remembered. It won't stay out of my mind, it was always there, jumping around inside my head, refusing to leave me alone.

**_I was in a car._**

**_I was in _****Sebastian_'s car._**

**_We were speeding, going almost 20 miles over the speed limit._**

**_We were going to a party, and I was in the passenger's seat._**

**_Izzy, Alec, and Simon were squeezed into the back like a bunch of sardines._**

**_Ever since Izzy, Alec and Jace moved next door, I had plenty of friends._**

**_But not because of them._**

**_Because of Izzy._**

**_She was Rich and Popular. Become friends with her and Alec_** **you get _Instant popularity._**

**_I was one of the most popular girls in school, but it was only for two months._**

**_That was because of me._**

**_Because of him._**

**_Because of them._**

**_Alec leaned out the window of _****Sebastians_'s car and laughed._**

**_Izzy leaned out the window too and screamed at the top of her lungs._**

**_I leaned out the window, but I did nothing._**

**_I just let the wind blow through my hair._**

**_I knew it was messing it up, but I didn't care. I was so carefree at the moment. I didn't have a clue what was going to happen._**

**_"Clary?" Simon asked me, in an uncomfortable tone of voice._**

**_"Are you gonna stay out there in lala land forever, or are you coming back to earth?"_**

**_I pulled my head back into the car and leaned over the console. I got right in his face, smiled, and said,_**

**_"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trespass."_**

"Hi! I'm Aline. I'm new here." An overly enthusiastic girl with Blonde hair – that was definitely not her natural hair color- said, interrupting my thoughts. I was grateful in a way, but I also wished that she hadn't said anything. That way I could just stay on the bus, lost in my mind, completely disconnected from the rest of the world.

I only nodded at her, in greeting. She looked uncomfortable, sort of embarrassed. After a minute or two, I decided to say something to her.

"Clary." I told her. She instantly launched into a long story that I didn't care one bit about.

"Wow. What a cool name. I once had a friend named Desdemona back in Chicago. Did you know they don't call it the windy city because of the weather? Supposedly it's because of the politicians. I guess it's because they had a tendency to talk on and on and on…"

Kinda makes this the windy school bus.

She kept going on and on about some cousin she had named Lattice, and I nodded, pretending I was listening. I really didn't care. I knew she was probably the only person, besides my teachers that would talk to me today but I didn't care. I didn't want to be here, and as long as I was lost in my head, unaware of everything going on around me, I would be ok.

After the fake blonde complimented me on my ugly skirt, I mumbled,

"Nice shoes."

They weren't nice.

They were hideous.

They were floral, and the colors of a rotten pumpkin and some dead rose petals. My great-grandmother is constantly wearing those colors. They make her look like she's already dead.

"Thanks! I have them in six other colors, Mayflower blue, Bonjour Beige..."

Shoe girl could probably go on for hours about her pumpkin shoes, and I really didn't care about anything she was saying.

I couldn't care less about shoes.

Or clothes.

I didn't care about that kind of stuff anymore.

It may seem strange, considering, I'm a girl, and that's pretty much against the law, but I just lost interest in everything after it happened.

While Alice or whatever her name was went on and on and on about her Sunshine Yellow flip-flops, I tried to think of something else. But instead, my mind went straight to my memories. It was like my brain was stuck on this channel, and every time I'd turn it on, that's what it would show.

**_I was always remembering._**

**_Out of order. _**

**_This one was towards the end._**

**_No._**

**_Not the end._**

**_Never the end._**

**_There is no end._**

**_No beginning either._**

**_No middle._**

**_Only the whole thing._**

**_This was one of the worst memories._**

**_One of the sounds._**

**_I was making the sounds._**

**_Yelling. I was Yelling._**

**_No._**

**_Screaming I was screaming._**

**_Yet nobody heard me._**

**_Only him._**

**_Only me._**

**_"No!" I screamed._**

**_"Stop!" I screamed._**

**_Nobody heard me. It was a muffled noise; a sound somebody would assume was an animal._**

**_There was an end I guess._**

**_The end of my life._**

**_The real end._**

**_The important end._**

I wish my mind had a mute button.

"Oh my gosh! We're here!" Aline squealed.

I've never known why people got _that_ excited about the first day of school.

I _never _get excited about anything.

I used to get excited. I used to get excited about almost everything. Even School, sometimes.

Sleepovers.

Shopping.

Dances.

Clubbing.

Knowing how many friends I'd have if they knew. It was a little smile in the back of my head that nobody could see.

If they only knew who I was.

Who I _used to be_.

I wasn't me anymore.

She died with my innocence.

With my mind.

With my happiness.

With my voice.

With my virginity.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: okay hers the seconded chapter that's been redone. Ohh and school dance will be updated at some point tomorrow or later on tonight**

The school was just a plain, large, brick, building.

Like every other school. Hasn't anyone heard of originality?

The sign said 'Jefferson High School. Home of the Rebels .'

Under that, in spray paint, it said "Rebels Suck". Some people have no respect.

First hour was boring. I discovered that you can't listen to Mrs. Calhoun.

I call her cat woman. The reason being, she talks like a cat lady. She's got that high pitched voice, like she's talking to a baby.

Her voice puts you to sleep instantly. At least, it puts _me _to sleep.

Plus, she laughs at her own, pathetic, jokes.

I hate first hour.

Second hour wasn't much better.

Mr. Kola is fat.

He's so obese, that when he writes on the board, his stomach erases everything else he wrote.

Kinda like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor but worse. He also talks too quietly. I couldn't hear anything he was saying. I guessed the rest of the class didn't either, as they had confused looks on their faces all through the class. I'm not that surprised.

My geometry teacher has no face. Only hair. It covers her whole head. Her black hair makes her look like she's crazy. She's got the most jacked up hair line I've ever seen. So I call her hair lady. Mostly because I don't know her real name.

She's not the greatest teacher either. She sort of mumbles everything she says, so you don't understand her. Nobody listens anyway.

The rest of the day wasn't any better than the first half. Especially lunch. And History.

I ate lunch in the bathroom.

The reason?

When I went in the lunchroom, I got my lunch, looked for a table and couldn't find one. I had nowhere to sit. Everybody hated me. They wouldn't let me sit by them.

I noticed, standing there, that everybody was staring at me.

Somebody yelled, "Whore" and tried to cover it with a cough.

Lame.

Of course the teachers didn't notice. I tuned them out and crossed the room to find somewhere to sit. Soon everybody was yelling profanities at me. I heard someone yell "Hoe!" that voice stood out more than any others. Mostly cause it was new and I've heard it all morning.

It was Aline. The dumb ass had no clue what they were going on about.

They all thought they knew. They thought they knew why I did it.

But they don't. They never will.

I didn't _want_ them all to get in trouble. I was scared. I feared for my life. I still do.

Somebody threw an apple at me, and I caught it. It was a stroke of luck though, because I have horrible hand-eye coordination, and usually can't catch anything.

Everybody started pelting me with fruit, and eventually somebody tossed their water at me. Everybody else followed suit. I couldn't believe nobody was stopping this. There were teachers at every corner of this bland looking lunchroom. Shouldn't they be stopping this? Sure, in their minds I deserved it. If what they thought had happened was actually true, I would've deserved it. I didn't though, because that was _not _what happened.

I ran out of the lunchroom, and on my way, I chucked my entire lunch, tray included, into the garbage.

I ran into the bathroom, soaked. In the end stall, I sat down and stared at the apple I still had in my hand. The apple was so shiny; I could see my own reflection. I saw something else in there too.

**_I was wearing a blue button up shirt._**

**_I would never wear it again._**

**_No buttons._**

**_Buttons were very very bad._**

**_The top 5 buttons were ripped off. _**

**_My hair was messed up._**

**_It would take me the whole night to get a brush through it._**

**_I was looking for the phone._**

**_I found it. _**

**_No. I didn't. _**

**_The phone wasn't there._**

**_I pushed the page button._**

**_I heard the annoying beeping and found it in the refrigerator._**

**_I looked behind the orange juice, and found it hidden behind about a dozen bottles of vodka._**

**_I hit the nine button._**

**_Then the one._**

**_"You shouldn't." the voice in my head whispered to me._**

**_"I have to" I answered._**

**_"Everyone will hate you." it tried to reason again._**

**_I pushed the one._**

**_I heard the voice and set the phone down._**

**_"you shouldn't have."_**

**_I ran outside and saw his car. He wasn't there, thank god._**

**_I don't know what I would have done if he had been there._**

**_I reached into my back pocket._**

**_There was something in there._**

**_A set of keys._**

**_His keys._**

**_'I couldn't drive'_**

**_I knew how to drive._**

**_But I couldn't._**

**_I'd crash. Maybe into a tree or ditch? Or possibly a River?_**

**_Maybe that is for the best._**

**_Drunk driving was against the law._**

**_Especially when you're 16._**

**_I knew I was drunk._**

**_Not at first, but I did now._**

**_It wasn't my fault, but my mom would still kill me._**

**_I dropped the keys and ran._**

**_I ran almost two miles, before I started to slow down, as I crossed a small bridge._**

**_I started walking, and looked down an my wrist, so I could see what time it was._**

**_My watch was gone._**

**_He must have pulled it off._**

**_He pulled everything else off._**

**_It was probably about 2 am, last I had seen a clock, it had been midnight._**

**_I continued walking, heading in a direction I didn't recognize. Eventually, I would figure out what direction my house was._**

**_Maybe._**

**_I quit breathing for a few seconds, and could hear sirens, far away. _**

**_Police cars._**

**_They were definitely going to hate me._**

There was a knock on the black stall door it pulled me out of my dazed state. I took a bite of the apple and stared at the floor.

"Miss, are you ok?" The janitor asked

She was a Minority. Dutch.

I could tell without looking, she had an accent.

I looked up at her warm face. Somebody that didn't know who I was. That's exactly what I needed at the moment.

Her name tag said 'Brittany'

She looked trustworthy. I shook my head no.

"Kids can be so cruel." She said, shaking her head in disbelief. If she only knew. "Come with me, there are towels in the janitor's closet." she gave me a small smile.

I followed the Janitor down the butter squash yellow hallway, to a small room by the office.

She went inside, so I followed her. She gave me a towel, and said,

"If you ever need somewhere to eat lunch..." She showed me a room in the back of the closet, and motioned to it with her arm.

"Thanks." I mumbled, dabbing my shirt with the towel. I sat down on the floor and took a bite out of my apple.

Then the bell rang. It would get no better than this. Only worse.

My History teacher, Mr. Forest, hates me.

Mr. Forest is a stick. He's a bean pole. And he has no neck.

Just a head, on top of some bony things I suppose you could call shoulders.

He also has a nasally voice. It's _incredibly_ annoying, almost as annoying as the dripping of a facet while you're trying to sleep. Just way worse.

Mr. Forest yells a lot.

At some kid named Chad, At Izzy, At Alec, At at me.

Just cause I didn't want to put up with his nasal voice and decided to block him out.

He gave me a detention.

It's on Thursday.

I'm not going.

I decided to walk home after school. I didn't want to ride the bus with Aline. Her voice gave me headaches. She was too cheerful. And after Mr. Forest's voice I didn't want to deal with it. I wonder if they are related or something. Probably not.

When I got home, I sat on the front steps without bothering to go inside and check in with my mom. It's not like I had anywhere to go, either.

I have no friends, and there's no use even trying to talk to my old friends. They don't even hang out with _each other_ anymore. Ever since they got in trouble at that party, they've all had different opinions of me since then, none of them nice.

Simon hangs out with the skater kids now, no surprise. We never really had anything in common with each other anyways.

Izzy hangs out with the popular kids. She's always been more popular than the rest of us.

Alec hangs out with pretty much everybody. He mostly stays to himself though. He's always been like that. We'd never really been that close anyways.

Lastly, there's me. The weird girl who went insane in the ninth grade. The one that's forgotten how to talk to anybody except herself and maybe to her mom at dinner to say "Pass the peas". The one that called the cops at the biggest party of the summer and got half the student body in trouble. Yeah...That's me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclamier: I cant belive I forgot to put this on the other chapters. I thought I did but I didn't. The only thing I own is the Later on plot of this story since most of it is kinda similar to the book/movie that this is based off of but later chapters will be completly orignal. And I do not own the Mortal Instruments series. Okay Hope that clears some things up. Now on with the story:**

In my next Science class, Mr. Kola erased our homework with his stomach.

Nobody had time to write it down, so he gave up on trying to tell the class what it was, and just dropped the assignment. No homework in Science. Yay. Not like I was going to do it anyway.

In Algebra, Hair lady tried to teach, but nobody cared, just like every other day. As hard as she tries to teach us, nobody cares about polynomials. Nobody cares about the Pythagorean theorem, or any of that other crap we probably won't ever use in our lifetime. They invented calculators for a reason. Who want's to put a great inventor's invention to shame?

"So if 4y 7y – 54 1, than y is equal to…" she turned to us for an answer.

Nobody raised their hand, but Hair lady continued to try.

"Ok… uhh."

She grabbed a dry erase marker, crossed out the first equation, and wrote y=4x+b on the board under that, she wrote (3, 2)

"Can anybody tell me what b is?"

This was easy, but nobody said anything.

Hair lady looked like she was about to cry.

I wanted to raise my hand, but I didn't have the energy to do it. All I wanted to do was sleep. That's all I _ever _wanted to do. Who wants to wake up at 5 for school anyway?

I shifted in my seat and looked across the room at Izzy. She looked up, saw me staring, and turned her head to the board like she was paying attention. Yeah right. I felt like I was going to cry too, and rested my head on my arms. I didn't want anybody to look at me, even though I knew I wouldn't cry,I had cried myself dry.

In Language Arts today, I ignored the teacher.

We had no homework anyways. So why did it matter? I probably missed something really important, and now I'll probably fail midterms, but I don't care anymore. Nothing matters.

The whole day was going great though. No homework. No reason to listen to my teachers and their non-ceasing babbling about stuff everyone could care less about. Why they even try to teach us still is way beyond me. Instead of listening to the clock ticking, like I had all through my other classes, I immersed myself in my easily cracked mind and thought.

My thoughts swam around in my head for a while, before my brain chose a certain one. I started thinking about english, well kind of. I thought about the language, not the dumb subject. should be happy she's getting that out of me. I haven't participated in any of my english classes for years. It just dosn't grab my attention.

Have you ever noticed how weird the English language Is? Have you ever noticed how, sometimes, we only talk about certain things when they aren't there?

Have you ever heard of a _horseful_ carriage? Or a _strapful_ gown?

What about a _sung_ hero? Ever met one? Me neither.

And why does your house burn up while it burns down?

Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?

Why do we have feet that smell and noses that run?

I don't know. I don't think anyone does..

Why is it that when the stars are out, you can see them, but when the lights are out, you can't see them?

I've got no clue once again.

Why do they call it eggplant if there's no egg in it?

Why is there no apple in pineapple?

And French fries. Why do they call them French fries when they weren't made in France?

Why do we play at a recital, and recite at a play?

Why don't we ever hear anything about the people who actually _would_ hurt a fly?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

And why do they say the teacher taught, but they don't say the preacher praught?

The plural of goose is geese, so shouldn't the plural of moose be meese?

Why do they call them babysitters, when they don't actually sit on a baby?

Even though that would be pretty funny to come home to.

When you wind up a clock you start it, so why when you wind up a speech do you end it?

If Vegetable Oil is made of vegetables, what is Baby Oil made of?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

How come a wise man and a wise guy are different?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why does our alarm clock go off by going on?

Why do people think the truth are lies? and the lies are truth?

We will never understand it. No matter what.

There was a knock on the door and it brought me out of my daze once again. I seem to dazeout alot. Oh well not like anybody cares anyway. put the piece of chalk on the chalk tray and walked over to the door. I bent over the top of my desk a little bit to see if I could identify the person who interrupted the oh so wounderful teaching lesson.

I shouldn't of. It was a mistake.

I heard a bunch of girls sigh in that lovey dovey voice. It makes me sick. I shrunk back hoping he wouldn't notice me. I prayed to god he was just dropping off something and then leaveing. I looked up once again. Another mistake. His eyes met mine. He winked. My body went cold and still. He rememberd. My chest tightned up. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was still frozen when he left. I didn't even relize people where staring at me till cleared her throat. I shrank back into my desk.

"Is there a problem?" she asked.

_yes_." No mam' not at all" I replied.

"good" she turned back to the board and started teaching again.

I went to my thoughts again. He remembered. I know he did. He had to of. It wouldn't be so bad if he just forgot but no it's in his mind.

Why are there monsters in the world? Horrible sick cruel monsters? Ones who rape innocent people? Monsters like Sebastian.

**........**

**Authors Note: Okay heres the update. I finally have like a schedule going on. I hope you guys liked this chapter. Don't be afraid to leave some love and hit the pretty little green button that says "review" at the bottom of the page. You should click it and see where it takes you lol. **

**Don't forget to read my other stories too! like:**

**1) The School Dance (I know one but my one of my other stories is on hiatis (sp?) )**

**Poll: Okay so I was thinking about writing more chapters to my I miss you story but have them in like everyone elses p.o.v. Tell me what you think Should I? or should I just leave it in clarys p.o.v?? **

**anyways thanks for still reading this if you are haha**

**Much Love,**

**xxLostxLovexx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclamier: I do not own the all great Mortal Instrument series I do however own my axel plushie and my amazing slippers I just got. Along with my coloring books and stuff for the west test next week :D**

****Warning: There is some graphic material in this chapter. If you are sensitive or anything along those lines do not countinue reading this chapter. **

After school, I forced my feet to move, one in front of the other, left, right, left, right, and walked down to the starbucks. I stood, hidden in the shadows, by the bathrooms near The back and watched Johnathen give coffee to random, happy, people.

Simon, Izzy, and Alec all walked up to the table and sat down, like nothing was wrong. Of course, nothing _was _wrong. Not for them.

They hardly ever hung out anymore, so I could tell this was a rare situation. They were probably talking about me, and what an attention seeking, tattling whore they _think _I am.

I sat at the booth, with my knees pulled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around them, holding me together. If I let go, I knew I'd shatter into a million tiny pieces. I was already cracking, just sitting there, watching them.

I watched my ex-friends decide what they wanted and start to order. I paid special attention to Izzy, who didn't seem capable of keeping eye contact with Johnathen anymore. She knew what he thought of her. He didn't believe the lies people told about me. Johnathen didn't know _why _I called the police, but he knew I had a good reason. That was because he knew me. We might not have got along very well, but He knew me, and he cared about what happened to me.

Johnathen looked at the traitorous murderers of trust in front of him, slowly shook his head, with disappointment, and took their orders like he didn't know them.

It meant a lot to me to know that my brother, however weird he may be, would always be on my side.

Izzy ordered a non fat green tea latte with rice milk, and started talking to Alec. I knew she ordered that, because she always did, no matter what. It was a tradition. I'd order an Iced French vanilla , she'd order green tea latte. Not anymore. French vanilla makes me sick. Brown makes me sick. Food makes me sick. Izzy makes me sick.

I knew her. I knew every little detail about her. I knew myself too. I knew that if Izzy had done something like I had, I would still be on her side. I'd always known that she would flake out on me eventually. She'd changed. She'd been doing it since the first day, but now her transformation was complete. She was finally a butterfly, an evil butterfly, but a butterfly none the less. She wasn't a caterpillar anymore.

I watched Simon sigh, the way he always did, roll his eyes, exactly how he used too, and lean back in his chair, with a familiar bored expression on his face, before he got up and made his way over to the bathrooms. He saw me looking at him, stared at me for a couple seconds, like he was deciding something, and then he nodded. It was a small nod, something he could deny if anybody mentioned it, but he still acknowledged me. But as quickly as it happened, he ignored me again, and went into the bathroom.

I could feel a headache coming. A strong, painful one, like a hurricane, about to smash into the back of my head. I needed to go over there, but I couldn't. My legs wouldn't move. The hurricane in my head hit the coast though, so I forced my parylized body to stand up and stand behind my new-found enemies.

Johnathen turned away from the capachnios he was making, saw me, nodded, and started making me a drink he made only for me. It was sort of a secret recipe, I didn't really know what was in it. I trusted it wasn't poisonous though, so I always drank it.

He held it out towards me and turned around to get a straw. I reached over Izzy's shoulder and wrapped my fingers around the cup. The coldness seeped through my fingers and throughout the rest of my body. Izzy wrapped her arms around herself, like she could feel the cold too, although I knew she couldn't.

I knew that Izzy knew I was there, I was so far into her bubble, she couldn't deny I was there, but she ignored me anyways. Alec, being somewhat a good person, at least had the courtesy to look at me.

I quickly turned away with my drink without paying for it. Johnathen would take care of that for me. He knew I wasn't feeling well.

By the time I got home, I had eaten the entire drink, and Hurricane Clary was gone.

When I have a headache, I eat one of John's special pain killer fraps really fast, and my brain goes numb, so it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm not sure why it works, but some combination of coffee ingredients, unknown to me, works better than Tylenol or Advil.

Johnathen always teases me about it, trying to get me to smile, which I don't do, by telling me that these things are made of the most fattening things behind the counter at His other job, but I don't believe him. If that were true, I'd be as big as a house. Literally. A big house. A mansion. I already feel like one. I always feel like I'm taking up way more room than anybody else. With a secret like mine though, following me around like my shadow, that's bound to happen.

I went inside, through the back door of my overly air conditioned house and dumped my empty cup in the garbage before running upstairs to my room and locking the door. I laid in my closet for a while, staring at the ceiling, like I always did after school. All I wanted was to be by myself, without my memories, for at least a couple hours.

I heard my mom calling my name eventually, so I lifted my head high enough so that I could see my alarm clock.

6:17.

Time for dinner.

I sat up, wiped my dry eyes, and went downstairs. The second I walked into the kitchen though, my eyes went straight to the floor, automatically. Like they always did. I couldn't look at him.

I ate some of my dinner, just enough to keep my mom from griping me about it, and continued to stare at my green beans the entire time.

"Clary, is something wrong?" Mom asked me, nonchalantly. Like it was something small, that she could get me some aspirin for, and stop caring about.

"Nope." I lied. I'd turned myself into quite the liar these past few weeks.

"She's probably worrying about midterms." Sebastian said, like he wasn't an evil, cold hearted, monster.

"They ain't 'til next week, man." Johnathen said, with his voice muffled, undoubtedly, by the food stuffed in his mouth.

"So. That doesn't mean she can't worry about them." Sebastian argued, like he was normal. He wasn't though. See this is another thing that sucks. John and Sebastian are best friends. I see him all the time.

I was really, hungry, but I lost my appetite the second I felt his hand on my thigh. I stood up so quickly, dropping my fork, that I nearly knocked over the entire table. I ignored my mom and shoved my dishes into their spot in the dishwasher, before I went back upstairs to my closet. Where I was safe. I sat on the floor for a while, before I got up, closed the door behind me, and laid down on my bed. I covered my face with the blanket until I felt like I was about to sweat to death.

I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing anymore. Not really. Not for me. Not really for anyone else either.

In about five minutes, I'm estimating, Mom came in my room to say good night. I just looked at her. She didn't ask me what was wrong anymore. By now she knew I wouldn't tell her. She turned out the light and left, but I didn't dare close my eyes. After a while though, I had to. My eyelids were so heavy, they were forcing themselves shut.

I couldn't help it. If I had had a choice, I wouldn't have done it, but my body wanted to sleep, so that's what it did. I gave in to exhaustion and closed my eyes.

It was only for a minute, I swear.

But for some reason, that was enough for him to get into my room without me knowing it. Why didn't I lock the door? I knew he was staying the night. While my eyes were closed, He snuck up to my bed.

I opened my eyes the second he grabbed my hands and squeaked.

Yes.

I_ squeaked._

I could've screamed, but I didn't.

I _squeaked._

What is wrong with me?

He looked at me, and said,

"You aren't scared of me, are you? You shouldn't be. I won't hurt you." He lied.

"I love you Clary, I wouldn't hurt you."

Liar. LIAR. LIAR! YOU SICK, SICK, LIAR!

I grabbed ahold of the repulsive wrist that was clinging to my left hand and dug my fingernails into it.

He pulled it away and slapped me across the face. I didn't make any noise. That slap echoed through the room though. How couldn't they hear it?

Then he grabbed my hands again.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." Among other things.

He climbed up onto my bed and sat on me. All the while, I stayed silent. Next, he brushed my hair out of my face, and leaned forward, staring at me with his disgusting rapist eyes.

I just don't get this guy. If you're gonna rape somebody, don't act like you care about them, because you obviously don't.

The next thing he did made me wanna throw up. He _kissed_ me.

Almost 5 whole seconds later, he had already forced his tongue down my throat. I was trying to push him off of me, trying to get his nasty tongue out of my mouth, but I couldn't. Every muscle in his body was too strong for me, even his tongue. I was too weak. I was so, so weak.

I closed my eyes, and tried to think about something else. Make it go by quickly. There was no use in fighting him. I'd tried it last time, and it did nothing. It wasn't working now either. I know you're not supposed to give in, but he practicly lived in my house, and if I made him mad, I didn't know what he'd do. If I tried to fight him, the only person that got hurt was me. I remembered, unwillingly, the last time this had happened. The last time I could remember. There were big blank spots in my mind now. Whole hours where I couldn't remember anything.

_"Here." Sebastian gave me a glass of what he said was punch. _

_It wasn't. __I didn't realize that until later though._

_About an hour later, I was starting to feel sick, and I knew my friends wouldn't want to leave yet, so I made a mistake._

_I asked Sebastian for a ride._

_"Sure." He said, looking at me weird. I didn't recognize the look on his face, I was too sick._

_We went out to his car, but I stopped. __I could feel it coming up, so I pulled my hair back, and I threw up into the gravel._

_Then, I realized what that little bit of 'punch' I'd drank really was. I'd been drinking, but alcohol wouldn't have made me feel like this. My brain was freaking out, and I couldn't concentrate very well. Weird thoughts were going through my head. I wanted to say things I normally wouldn't. I stopped myself though. I hadn't had enough of that punch to render me helpless. _

_I looked up at Sebastian, not believing what he had done to me. It would only get worse after that. I thought he repulsed me then, but it was nothing compared to what I would feel later._

_What he said next surprised me though, and my mind blanked for a minute._

_"You're so beautiful."_

_I looked at him, with a very disgusted, and sort of confused expression, I can imagine._

_"What?" I asked him, spitting up the last bit of vomit._

_He grabbed me and smashed his lips against mine. I pushed him away, turned my head, and threw up in his truck._

_He did it again, not caring about the vomit that was still coating the inside of my mouth._

_And he did it again_

_and again._

_Pretty soon, he was doing more than that, and I was too tired of trying to push him away. I tried to scream, but my stomach acid had pretty much burned up my throat. Nothing would come out. I was mute. _

_He climbed on top of me, in the back of his truck, and the minute he did, I could feel him against my leg. I could tell this sick freak was really enjoying this._

_I know that he knew it was wrong. He had to._

_I really want to know why, though._

_Why?_

_Why? Why? Why? Why?_

_He pulled away for a second, and I bit him, as hard as I could._

_Thst was a HUGE mistake._

_He just smacked my head against the side of his truck, and everything went black._

_All I know, is when I woke up, he was leaning against the truck next to his, with a satisfied smirk on his face._

_I could tell by the pain I was feeling, just how far he'd gone. It was the most horrible feeling I'd ever felt. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't. Instead, I scrambled out of the truck, fixed my clothes, and tried to run to the house, but I was in so much pain, that I couldn't. I wobbled down the sidewalk instead._

Why did he do this to me?

**Authors Note: Okay people I'm here to ask for a beta I think I got most of the mistakes I found when I re-read this chapter like 6 times but yeah anyways if any of you people are interested just let me know... mkay? oh and you should tottaly review and make me happy.. I've cried alot today and it's all davids fault but anywho see ya'll next time **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instrument series and despite my hopes to i never will ****:(**

When the sunlight finally crept around the binds on my window the next morning, I didn't notice.

I didn't notice it when Mom came in and told me to go to school.

I didn't notice Sebastian telling me I was going to be late.

I _did_ notice Jonathan threatening me with his newly acquired rubber chicken, but pretended not to.

I just nodded when my mom asked me if I'd be okay home alone, but didn't notice when she left.

I didn't notice anything going on around me.

I just lay on my bed with the blankets pulled up to my chin, like it could keep all the bad stuff out.

My eyes were open – but I couldn't see anything. I was blind. When I finally could see, all I saw was the ceiling.

I looked at my clock. I didn't know why. It wasn't like the time was going to influence anything I did today.

_8:45_

_9:30_

_10:20_

_11:40_

_12:05_

_1:10_

_1:40_

I was really hungry. All I'd had for dinner the night before was a bite of green beans and a slice of homemade bread. Finally, I got up and went into the kitchen to get something to eat.

Nobody had gone grocery shopping. I could tell as all that was left in the refrigerator was a banana, an apple and some mouldy ham.

I chose the banana and went back to my room to eat it. I tossed the peel in the garbage and got back into bed, where I stayed there until everybody else went to sleep, skipping dinner even though they begged me to get out of bed for that. They were all tired of trying to convince me to leave my room, and had quit a long time ago.

They'd tried therapy once/twice a week for about a month. They decided to give me some time in the hope that I would open up in my own time.

When I finally forced myself out of bed again, it was 11:30 at night. I stiffly hobbled over to my closet and put on the first bikini I could find. I wanted to wear a one piece but unfortunately, I hadn't owned one of those since the seventh grade. I wish I was fat. Then I'd have a one piece. Maybe if I'd been fat, Sebastian wouldn't have been so attracted to me.

I dug a towel out of a pile of stuff I didn't use anymore, and tiptoed downstairs. I snuck out of the house and went down to the lake, knowing that I would be all on my own there. I desperately needed to be alone – to be somewhere where I couldn't hear or see anybody. This was the perfect place to do it. Nobody came down this far anymore.

I dropped my towel in the sand, stripped down and went down to the water. I didn't usually go anywhere in the nude – especially where it was possible for someone to see me – but I didn't want anything holding me in. I didn't need any pressure, of any kind, right now.

I could tell the water was cold just by looking at it. I needed that. I wanted to be cold. I'd been burning up for weeks, inside and out.

I stuck my left foot into the water and quickly pulled it back out.

I was right.

It was cold.

I took a deep breath, stared at the moon's reflection on the surface of the lake and ran into the water to meet it.

I could feel my legs, arms, shoulders, knees, feet – _everything_ – turning the color of a fresh bruise the second my feet left the ground. I was all one color now, maybe.

I dunked my head underneath, and stayed there for as long as I could, cooling off my entire body. Eventually, I couldn't breathe anymore so I came up for air. I wished I was a fish. Then I wouldn't have to bother with air – or with Sebastian.

I remembered reading a book in eighth grade about this kid who went into some really cold water early in the morning, just so he could feel the numbness spread throughout his body. He was a criminal, but I felt like one too. Maybe it would work for me. I wanted to make myself numb.

I wondered how long it would take me for my body to be frozen. Somebody would probably see me by then.

It started to hurt to breath, and my legs were getting tired of keeping me above the surface.

After about ten minutes in the water, I felt like I was about to die of hypothermia. I got out. Maybe I should've kept swimming.

Once I found my towel in the dark, I tiredly put my swimsuit back on, even though I barely had the energy to, and spread the towel out on the sand and lay down.

This was one of the only places I could close my eyes and actually feel safe. Sebastian didn't go to the lake. There were too many people there. Too many chances that somebody might see him for what he really was.

It felt like a second had passed before I was awakened by something falling on me.

I opened my eyes and saw nothing. There was something over my face. I pushed somebody's sweatshirt off my head, and saw the silhouette of a boy standing in front of me. Relief washed over me. I was extremely glad I'd put on my bathing suit back on. Otherwise this would've been even weirder.

It was too dark to tell who it was at first. The second he spoke, I knew exactly who this temporary stranger was, even though he hadn't talked to me in four whole months.

"Sorry. You looked cold."

Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see Simon clearly. He looked at me like he used to. Like I was his friend, and he wasn't going to deny seeing me down here tomorrow.

I looked down at my arms and saw my bruises appearing again now that I was pale once more. I put the sweatshirt on and pulled my knees up to my chin, before he noticed. It smelt really good. His mom must've washed it. I didn't remember Simon smelling like this. Maybe he did. I hadn't actually smelled him before. Maybe his sweatshirt only smelled good to me because I missed having him as a friend so much. I missed all of my friends. I blamed this stupid secret for pushing them away.

"Thanks," I told him, tucking my knees under the sweatshirt with the rest of me. I had lost some weight over the last few weeks; I knew I wouldn't stretch it out. I wouldn't have cared if I did, anyways.

"Why are you out here?" he asked me, like he still had the right to ask.

"I was trying to die of hypothermia, but you interrupted me," I answered plainly, as he sat down in the sand next to me.

He studied my moonlit face like he was trying to figure out if I was serious or not. He obviously thought I was, because he said, "Life can't be that bad."

"Oh, but it is," I said, keeping my voice steady. I was finally starting to shiver. I wrapped my arms around my body tighter, more to hold myself together than to keep me warm.

He gave me a disbelieving look, so I told him, "Everybody hates me – including my ex-best friends – because they all believe a lie."

"I don't hate you."

"You aren't comfortable sitting here with me. That tells me you believe that load of shit everyone else believes."

"What . . . load of shit?" Simon had never been into foul language. He was one of the few popular kids that didn't curse if they could help it. I usually didn't either, but I didn't know any other way to describe it.

I sighed, and calmly summarised the many rumours I'd heard recently: "I'm a slut and slept with my own brother's best friend after downing a dozen bottles of vodka that I stole from Adrian Daniel's fridge at his graduation party and to top it all off, I called the police and ran just because I wanted to get everybody in trouble."

Simon said nothing. Crickets started to chirp. "It's not true, Simon."

"I . . . it's just . . . well . . . Josh Collins saw you, and . . . he . . . he . . ." He stared right at me. "He has pictures, Clary. _Pictures_. Proof.

"That's not proof of anything, Simon."

"It is, Clar. Everybody has seen them. I've seen them. It _is_ proof." I looked up at him, surprised he'd called me 'Clar'. Even when we were friends, he hadn't done that. He'd called me Clary.

"Nobody believes me . . . I am such a horrible person that I can't even convince you, and no offence, but you are the most gullible person I know."

"I am not gullible." He shook his head with a smile on his face. How could he be smiling? "Don't smile, Simon. Don't smile. Did you know that is the only word that isn't in the dictionary?"

"Really?" he asked with a shocked expression on his face. As if it mattered what words were in the dictionary.

"My point exactly."

"Huh?" he asked, confused. ". . . So if that isn't what really happened . . . what is?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"You wouldn't believe me. You've already made your opinion."

"Just try me," he demanded, leaning back, supporting himself with his elbows.

I lay back down on my towel and told him, "Just leave me alone. Go home, Simon."

"I can't. My parents are fighting again."

"It can't be as bad as what I've gone through."

He didn't have anything to say after that. He got up and left after saying goodbye. I fell asleep on the beach, and finally went home after the sun started to come up.

I went into my room and locked the door.

**Authors Note: I would like to give a really big thanks to my new beta Love Vigilantes. Thanks for getting this chapter back to me so fast. And thanks for the comments they helped a lot. :D**

**p.s: Did anybody else watch glee on Tuesday? omg i am so shocked that that is her mom. and who is ready for the LOST 2 hour season finale? it is going to be bitter sweet.**

**p.s.s: Sorry i had to rant there. but you guys should tell me what you think by clicking that button that used to be green but now is blue. oh and to someone asked who David was..he was one of my senior friends and last Friday was his last day :)  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Discalimer: I do not own the Mortal Instrument Series but I do dream about it along with being married to Adam Richmend C=**

I leaned against the door and sighed.  
It was a sigh of relief. I was safely in my room now. With the door locked.  
I slid down the wall and let out another loud breath. Looking down, I realized I was still wearing Simon's sweatshirt.  
It was blue and said Jefferson Middle across the front, in white letters.  
Nobody has any idea how much I wish I was still in middle school.  
Everything would be different.  
Everybody would be different.  
Iwould be different.  
My entire lifewould be different. For a while at least.  
I don't want to blame my brother's happiness on what happened to me, but if he hadn't met Sebastian, I would be fine. I would be happy, but John wouldn't.  
Why can't I just be the most hideous creature on the planet? Then, Sebastian would stay away from me, wouldn't he?  
I unlocked the door and looked both ways down the hall way and quickley but quietly ran down into the den at the other end of the hall. I forced myself to open the doors, It was extremely dusty in there. I hadn't cleaned, let alone opened the door, in months. I stepped inside and moved toward the ugly recliner placed in the middle of the room. I settled myself in the middle of it, and closed my eyes. I couldn't get comfortable, so I turned around, and put my feet over one arm rest, and rested my head on the other.  
For some reason, the cold water and talking with Simon had made me really tired. I'd slept throughout the day, off and on, and had probably got at least 13 hours of light sleep in. I was still exhausted though.

I actually fell asleep. For real. A deep sleep. It was probably because I hadn't been in here for so long. The den hadn't been touched since before it had happened the first time, so to me, the den was somewhat of a safe place.  
My eyes were closed, I was even snoring. I was even dreaming.

What seemed like everybody I knew was sitting in my den. It was much cleaner inside than it was in reality, but everything was arranged the way it was in my real life.  
"Oh Clary. It's so great you're back." Alec assured me. I wondered to myself why he was being so nice to me.

"Yeah. I missed you so much" Izzy, who was sitting on a navy blue trunk in the corner of the room, told me. If this hadn't of been a dream, I would've cried. Or maybe I would've punched her. I'm not sure what I would've done. I didn't quite know how I felt about her anymore. I wasn't sure if I should hate her, or forgive her.

"I missed you...If that counts for anything." Mom said, smiling at me from her spot in the room.. I wanted to tell her I hadn't gone anywhere. I've been here all along, so she didn't have a reason to have missed me. I knew that wasn't true, though.

"Ooh ooh ooh, hey! Clary!" Nick Jonas yelled at me, waving his arms in the air in a fashion that was one hundred percent not like him. I looked at him strangely woundering to myself why I was dreaming of him being there. Maybe it was since he was my first celebrity crush.

"What?" I asked, annoyed by one third of the Jonas Brothers. Anything to stop his helicopter arms.

"We wrote a song about you!" His brothers anwered for him.

Jonathan picked up a guitar, although the real John couldn't play, - even if he liked to think he could- and said,  
"I helped."

He strummed a chord and they started singing.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."  
They paused for a minute, to allow John and his horribly inappropriate - and both loud AND terrible - guitar solo, and started singing again.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're feeling small, yeah. Alone in the night you whisper, thinking no one can hear you at all. You wake with the morning sunlight, to find fortune that is smiling on you. Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow, for all you know, tomorrow, the dream that you wish will come true, oooh, yeah."

"Guys, I hate to break it to you, but somebody wrote that song like, ten years ago." Izzy said, in a tone that suggested she didn't hate to break it to them.  
"Oh yeah, who?" Joe asked.

"Dora the Explorer, duh."

"No, it was Barney." Simon argued. I hadn't noticed him before. He'd been unusually quiet. I noticed that he was wearing his sweatshirt...so what was I wearing? I looked down and saw that I was completely naked. In shock, I fell off the chair I was sitting in and hid behind it before they noticed my bizarre wardrobe choice. Why were they acting like this was normal? This was so far from normal.

"You know what, who cares?" Aline said, reading my mind, as she filed her nails, sitting with her legs crossed next to Izzy.

"I do!" Kevin shouted.  
I woke to a pounding at my door.

"Clary, you in there? A voice bellowed from the other side. Of the door, that is.  
I opened the door enough to see the person, since I was so out of it I couldn't recognize the voice.  
"Mommy." I breathed, before throwing the door open the rest of the way. I hugged her, which obviously surprised her. I hadn't hugged, let alone talked to my mom for weeks.

"I love you." I told her, pressing my face into her chest, where I was safe.  
She cautiously wrapped an arm around me and told me,

"I love you too, hun."

Too bad she didn't add "and it won't ever happen again" like I wanted her too.

I stood in front of the school I hated and watched everybody I hated get sucked inside of it.

They all looked happy.

Sure, there were those overly dramatic girls who create drama just so they'll have something to cry about, but they're happy.

In the movies, when people are happy, it's boring. In real life, you want to be boring. At least, I do. I wish I was happy, and life was boring again.

The warning bell broke the silence and I snapped back to reality. I hurried inside to my locker and got some of my books, before wracking my brain for the name and direction of the class I was supposed to be in.

The hallways were empty when I figured it out. I just barely made it to my next class, and slid into my seat just as the late bell rang.

The teacher raised a questioning eyebrow but said nothing. She'd figured me out, by then. I was the depressed, psycho girl. The one you didn't yell at, in fear that she'd bring a gun to school the next day and shoot you. She was smart, in a way, not to yell at me. Not that I would ever do anything as crazy as bringing a gun to school. What she understood was that I would probably crack, eventually. If only everybody else understood that. It'd be nice if they'd quit beating my shell on the edge of the bowl.

Miss Pilton hates me, I'm almost positive. She somehow was delusional enough to somehow come up with the notion that a project would be a good idea. A project we needed partners for.

Miss Pilton hates me because she paired me up with her. With Izzy. I suppose she hates Izzy too, because she obviously despised the situation ten times as much as I did.

My ears were too busy ringing with the news that I would be working with the one person who hated me the most to listen to what exactly the project was, so when Miss Pilton stopped talking and I came back down to Earth, I had no idea what I was doing.

Izzy sat down in the desk in front of me and turned around to face me with an annoyed expression on her face.  
"Izzy, I-"

"I'm doing this project by myself." She said quietly. Her face was blank now. She wasn't mad, she wasn't happy, she wasn't scared. She felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. "You can put your name on it before we turn it in. I'm not going to purposely fail you, even though I've thought about it. I need an A just as much as you do, but I refuse to work with you on this."  
"But I-"  
"You disgust me. I don't want you to talk to me ever again. Don't try to send me letters, don't email me, and don't use Simon as a messenger. I never want to speak to you again. Please just leave me alone."

Every part of me wanted to just pummel her. I wanted to punch her in the face, or kick her in the stomach. I wanted to rip her arms off, but I couldn't move. I couldn't even breathe.

"Okay." I whispered, saying the last thing I wanted to say.

In History, I got yelled at the second I stepped through the door.

"Fray! This would be how many detentions that you've skipped this year, exactly?" Mr Knee asked me, in that tone that said he was going to give me another. It didn't scare me.

Four detentions, that's how many.

I just shrugged and slid into my seat, ignoring him.

"Four!" He yelled. "And what do you get when you skip a detention?"

Another detention.

I just looked at him.

"Another detention." He said aloud.

"And...what do you get when you skip five detentions?"

Suspended.

"You get suspended, that's what."

That's only when you get them all in one quarter. I've only got two this quarter. Mr. Knee obviously didn't read the handbook. He was determined, however, to get rid of me, one way or another, and I didn't know why. I didn't argue with him, I did my homework, I took my tests, I at least tried to listen during class, which is more than I can say for my fellow classmates.

"Go to the office." He told me quietly. I stood up and silently did as I was told. I took my time though. I was in no hurry to do anything, even if it meant going home early and sitting in my closet for hours on end, which is exactly what I wanted to do.

When I got down there, the secretary frowned at me. She knew what had happened. Mr. Knee gave me detentions for no reason all the time, and she didn't like it, but she could do nothing about it, as long as there was some explanation for my punishment.

She pointed to a chair for me to sit in, and I sat in that chair for ten minutes, staring at the floor, until my mom got there. She rested her hand lightly on my shoulder. I could tell she was disappointed without even looking at him.

The principal came out and invited us inside his office like he had a party going on in there.  
"Mrs. Fray. Your daughter has skipped four detentions this year. As punishment, she gets another detention, and when a student gets five detentions, we have to suspend them. From what we heard from the middle school, Clarissa-  
"Clary." My mom corrected.  
I looked at her and wanted to smile.  
"Clary has never acted like this before."

"She wasn't like this until she started coming here. She's never got a detention before in her life. What happened to my daughter? What are you people doing to her?" Mom asked calmly. I could tell she was angry though. She blamed my change in personality on the school, when that wasn't it at all.

"She hardly ever talks to me anymore! She doesn't talk to anybody!" Mom yelled.

Mr. Finley turned to me, but I didn't look at him. I stared at my mother, from under the curtain of hair hanging in my face.  
"Clarissl- Clary...do you have anything to say about this?" Mr. Finley asked, catching himself before mispronouncing my name again.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ugly painting hanging above his head. I didn't have anything to say, so why waste energy opening my mouth?

"Great. Now she's mute. You people are...you people are just...we're leaving, come on Clary."

Leaving the school, I was secretly grateful that Mr. Finley was the principal now. He knew as well as anybody that I only had two detentions this quarter. He'd suspended me just so I could go home.  
We got in the car, and mom turned to look at me.

She could obviously tell it wasn't a good time to reprimand me, so she started the car, and drove us home.

"I'm very disappointed in you." She told me as we pulled into the driveway.  
I didn't say a word.

"Clary please talk to me. What happened to you?" She begged me. I wanted so badly to tell her, but I couldn't bring myself to screw everything up again. If I just got used to things the way they were...maybe they wouldn't seem so terrible after a while.

Mom let out a depressed sigh, before getting out of the car and entering the house.  
I sat in the car for almost an hour, before she came back out and told me to come inside.  
When I finally did come in, she was sitting on the couch looking through a Home Decor magazine. I stood in the doorway for a minute, but she pretended not to notice me.  
So I went upstairs.

I hid in my closet, because I can't remember in my closet. My mind goes blank in there. It's like magic.  
I sat down on the floor and put a check mark on the wall. It was the 121st check mark.  
121 days since it happened, and I was still alive.  
I hadn't died.  
I hadn't killed myself.  
I'd thought about it. I'd thought about cutting myself. I'd thought about doing drugs.  
But that would just make it harder.  
That would make him feel like he'd succeeded. He has though. He killed me. Maybe not in the literal sense, but in every other one.  
_

**Authors Note: Guess what... Jace should be comming in soon if i go with the plan im leaning towards but it just depends on what chapter i use next hehe so yeah.**

**P.S- I have lost my voice (you can ask claryxjace she knows) and the doctor said that if you readers leave me reviews I will get better fasterr..Please help me get my voice back so my friend preston will stop making fun of mee lol Thanks for reading... I love youu guuyysss (and cause he told me I had too) I love you too adriann even though you don't read this but whatever. Okay well now im just rambeling. lol thanks againn to all my faithfull readers!**

**P.S.S- If you like broken to no return you should read my other storiess:**

**1) The school dance 2) I miss you and the other ones on my profilee**


	7. Chapter 7

**Discalimer: I do not own the Mortal Instrument Series**

**Warning*** this capter has some serious acion in it read at your own risk**

A couple of hours later, after everybody had come home, I heard a knock on the door.

"Hmm. . .?" I answered.

"I'm going to pick out paint for the hallway and my bedroom. I'll be back in an hour," Mom yelled through the wood.

"Mmm," I replied, spreading out on the floor.

I heard her walk away, and then it hit me.

_HE_ was here. She was leaving me alone with _HIM_.

I shoved the closet door open and ran out, which probably wasn't that smart.

He grabbed me around the neck the second I rounded the corner and pushed me against the wall.

He covered my mouth with his hand and looked down the hallway, listening. The door closed, the car started, and she drove away. It was safe for him to do as he liked.

I bit his hand, and he let go, looking surprised that I would do something like that. Why was he surprised? Didn't he know how much I hated him?

I ran up the stairs and up into the attic. I shoved the door in the floor down and sat on it.

He tried to open it.

This was the only time in my life that I would ever wish, honestly, that I weighed 300 pounds.

I was knocked off the door when he shoved it open, and he looped an arm around my waist.

He carried me down the stairs. All the while, I was screaming and clawing, kicking, biting him. Why couldn't the neighbours hear me?

He set me down and shoved me onto the couch, standing way too close to give me room to get away. With an anguished look on his face, he pulled out a gun.

He had a gun.

He was going to kill me.

_I was going to die. _

At least it would finally be over.

"Why won't you love me?" he asked as a tear rolled down his red face. I sat there, paralyzed, as he started to cry.

"Why? I love you – more than anything – but you won't return the favour! I'm not gonna let you have anybody else. You won't get away from me!" he yelled.

I was scared beyond words. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. It was like somebody had poured coffee on the computer in my head. For the longest minute of my life, I just sat there. I could hear the grandfather clock in the hallway upstairs go off five times. It distracted him for a second so I tried to get up. I almost got away, but he caught me and shoved me onto the ground, where he smashed my head against the coffee table.

Everything went black.

When I regained consciousness, I could feel him on top of me. Not again. _No_.

He was heavy.

As everything started appearing, I heard the door open.

"What's going on here?" A familiar – albeit disgusted and angry – voice asked.

It was Jonathon.

"John. . ." I managed to get out the syllable. "Run. . ."

I started crying, when I couldn't speak loud enough for him to hear me. Sebastian slapped me and yelled, "Shut up!"

My face stung.

"Get away from her!" Jonathon yelled.

Sebastian got up and tried to get at Jonathon, who ran into the kitchen. Sebastian followed him.

I got up and tried to follow him, but I couldn't. It hurt too much. I hurt everywhere. Every square inch of my body felt like it was dying.

I pulled my jeans back up and pulled my shirt on the rest of the way. I tried to hobble to the kitchen, but I couldn't make it.

Sebastian and Jonathon came back into the room, by the stairs.

John had a knife.

Sebastian had his gun.

Sebastian raised his gun, and John stabbed him in the leg. Blood started squirting out of the wound in his leg, and I wanted to vomit.

Sebastian cringed, a pain-filled look on his face, and pulled the knife out.

He chased John up the stairs, leaving a trail of blood down the middle of the staircase.

The sight of it made me want to throw up.

I did.

John shoved Sebastian against the wall. Sebastian pointed his gun at him before John could raise his knife.

"No!" I screamed.

Sebastian knocked the knife out of John's hand, and pointed the gun at me.

He fired, and missed.

I tried to get away.

He fired again . . . and missed. Again.

"Stop it!" Jonathon yelled, and shoved him just as Sebastian pulled the trigger.

The bullet shot out of the gun and hit me in the shoulder.

I fell to the ground in more pain than I had ever been in before which, for me, was quite an accomplishment.

"Oh no . . . oh no . . . what have I done? No, no, Clary, I didn't mean it . . . baby, I didn't mean it!" Sebastian yelled, from the stairs, as he tried to come down them. Jonathon stopped him, and held him against the wall, trying to wrestle the gun away.

The sight of my own blood, mixed with the words of adoration Sebastian was integrating into his sentences made me want to vomit.

I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I used my good arm to hold me up. My shoulder was already going numb, and everything went blurry.

Then, I heard another gunshot.

John fell down the stairs, and slid a couple of feet across the ground, stopping at my feet. He had a massive wound on his stomach and there was blood pouring out like a fountain spitting water.

I vomited. Again. And again. I couldn't stop, and it hurt really, really bad. It was burning. Then Sebastian was in my face, looking furious.

"You tell anybody. . . and I'll make sure you die the most painful death possible."

I vomited on him.

Then, I passed out.

I woke up, and my mom and Luke were hovering over me.

"Oh my God," Mom exclaimed. She was crying.

Luke started to cry. I'd never seen him do that before. It was weird. I wasn't so sure why exactly he was doing it, which made it even weirder. Luke went out into the hallway and Mom pulled me into a hug.

The only person not crying was in the doorway.

It was Sebastian.

He glared at me.

I stared at him, trying to remember why exactly I hated him. He turned around and left the room, and it all came back to me. I started breathing hard, and my heart was racing.

"Where's Jonathon?" I asked Mom frantically.

She looked at Luke, who had just come back in, and then at me.

"He hasn't woke up yet, Hun."

I started crying too.

"He's dead, isn't he? Tell me! Please. . ."

I started crying more.

I couldn't breathe.

"He's ok, ClareBear. He's still alive," my mom said. Still . . . that meant for now.

"Mommy. . ." I said.

I let out a breath.

She sat down on my bed, and started stroking my hair. My tears dried up, probably for good again, and I said, "I wanna see John."

Clary, you've been in a coma for three weeks. Stay in bed."

_"I want to see John," _I insisted.

Authors Note: You guys should review it would make all my dreams come true and it will make me update fasterrr lmao. I would like to say thanks again to my awesome Beta who gets these back to me so fast. Your the best.

**P.S.S- If you like broken to no return you should read my other storiess:**

**1) The school dance 2) I miss you and the other ones on my profilee**


	8. Chapter 8

**IMPORTANT: Authors Note: Okay here it is.. A new chapter! anyways. I need depressing songs.. and some of you maybe like why do you need depressing songs and well the reason is this: i'm going to start making chapters for my I miss you story in like Jaces p.o.v and Alec's and everyone elses. But Anyways Send me whatever you have or can find thanks alott =D**

**Warning***: Theres A SURPEISE at the end of this chapter sooo go on get reading!**

He's just laying there.

His face is whiter than Santa Clause's beard, after he washes it, that is.

He looks dead. His chest is rising and falling, slightly, so I know he isn't, but still, it feels like he is.

And it's all my fault.

_No it's not_

Oh no, not you. The stupid voice in my head that always gets me in trouble.

_I'm not the stupid one._

What's that supposed to mean?

_You know._

No I don't. Just shut up.

_Hey, I'm the voice in **your** head. You can't tell me to shut up._

I blinked away the tears that were coming to my eyes, and reached out to touch his hand.

It was warm. I don't know what I expected it to feel like, but warm was not it.

I inhaled, trying to stop myself from crying, but it didn't work.

I swallowed and wiped my eyes. I didn't get why I was crying now. I hadn't been able to for the longest time, but now I couldn't quit.

In about two seconds, I went from calm to hysterical. I don't even know why. Something just started freaking out in my brain, blaming me for everything. I couldn't take it.

My mom grabbed my hand and tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. A nurse rushed inside, and I was wheeled back down the hall in complete hysterics. When I finally stopped freaking out, it was dark, and the nurse was telling my mom that she had to leave my room.

She was arguing with her, but the stupid nurse won. No visitors. You're welcome to stay in the waiting room, but the patients need sleep.

"Good night Clary, I'll see you in the morning, ok?" She told me, trying to comfort me.

I nodded.

"I love you." I nodded again.

After she left, I started crying again. Not as hard as before. This was just because I was sad, not because my brain was malfunctioning.

She was trying to make it seem like this was just an ordinary day. It is not, was not, will not. None of my days will ever be normal ever again.

I found the call button on the railing of the piece of cardboard they called a bed, just in case. Just in case I needed it. I probably won't need it. But you can never be too careful.

I fell asleep, but the first thing I saw when I woke up wasn't the ceiling, like I had expected.

It was Simon.

"How come every time I open my eyes, I see you?" I asked him, perturbed.

"Oh god, Clary. I, I just, I can't believe this." He started babbling, so I tuned him out.

"Well, I'm here. I'm not dead. Unfortunately." I said looking around the snow white room.

"Don't you ever say that again! You may think the world would be a better place without you, but I don't." He said, angrily.

"Yeah right."

"Oh come on Clary, don't start this again."

"Start what, exactly?" I asked, propping myself up with my good arm, while I raised an eyebrow at him. I really wanted to know what it was he thought I kept doing.

He took a deep breath, about to explain, but I interrupted him. I didn't want to know anymore.

"You're a liar."

"What?" He asked, shocked.

"You are. You act like you care about me. You don't."

He didn't say anything. That proves I'm right.

"You didn't miss much at school." He changed the subject.

"A lot of homework." I decided, talking more to myself than to him.

"Not really." He told me. "We haven't had that much, we had a test in science, but none of the teachers give out much homework around Christmas break."

"Christmas break?"

"Yes. Tomorrows' Christmas."

I sighed."So what _did _I miss."

"Well, Petrakis is going on a diet, Izzy and Sebastian are going out, the new lunch lady caught the cafeteria on fire...nothing much."

"Wait, what? wha...did you...she's? WHY? She didn't even like him!...no...no!...she can't! Simon how'd you let this happen? She can't get anywhere near him! You have to break them up!"

He got up and backed against the wall, obviously scared.

"You have to SIMON! She ca...he'll...No! NO! NO!" I screamed.

Simon ran out of the room and a nurse came in with a needle while I was still screaming, louder than I ever had.

She stabbed me in the side with the euthanizer, and I got really tired. When I woke up, I was strapped to my bed. I was probably in the psych ward now. I looked up and saw my mom standing there.

"Mama...what are they doing to me?"

"Clary, it'll be ok." She told me, not explaining anything.

"No it won't!" I yelled at her.

For some unknown reason, I was really angry. I'm not even sure who exactly I was angry _at. _I just, was. My emotions were going crazy, and I had a stomach ache. I didn't feel good. I wanted to go home. I had a headache. I needed a smoothie.

I tried to pull away from the bed.

"Mom..." I whined

"Can you get it to stop? My head hurts...can you ask the doctor? Please?" She agreed to go talk to the doctor about upping my dosage of morphine.

I started crying and closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears from coming out.

It wasn't working. I started sobbing, while my head was throbbing.

They thought I was crazy. They all think I'm crazy.

I'm not. I'm not crazy.

"I'm not crazy!" I screamed.

"I'm not crazy..." I started sobbing again

I'm not. I know I'm not.

Am I? No, I'm not.

I am most definately _not_ crazy.

"Lady, you don't understand. She'll want to see me. We're friends." I heard a loud voice coming from the hallway. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it.

The nurse said something, but I couldn't understand her.

"Yes, yes I am." The voice said again.

Why couldn't I remember whose voice it was?

"If I do, will you let me see her?" He asked.

"Listen lady, she is very important to me, and I am going to go in there whether you like it or not."

The almost non-existent nurse said something again, and the voice said,

"What if I let you come to the premiere, free of charge...and I'll get you tickets to anything you want, just please, let me see her."

I had a feeling I knew who the voice belonged to, but I didn't want to hope. I was probably wrong. The nurse must have finally agreed with him, because the next thing I heard was,

"Thank you! You do not know how much this means to me!"

I could hear the voice's footsteps as he came down the hall.

A shadow fell across the floor, and when I looked up, I could not believe whose shadow it was. I'd been right. It really was him. I think. Maybe I'm hallucinating. I hear Morphine can do that to you.

...

"Jace." I managed to spit out


	9. Chapter 9

**_Disclaimer: I Do not own the mortal instruments series. I never will *sighs*. _**

_Why is **he** here? _

_Why would he care? Wait...he was supposed to be in Japan, shooting that movie about...what did he say that movie was about? Maybe it's finished. It has been a year. What took him so long? Has he heard? Obviously not, he's here._

My thoughts shot around in my head like a ping pong ball in a fish tank. They had nowhere to go, and kept bouncing off of the sides.

_Why are you here?_

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"To see you, duh."

He smiled. I didn't.

"I had quite the argument with that nurse, just to see you, so you better be happy I'm here."

I rolled my eyes and tried to conceal a smile as I looked away. Why was I smiling? This was not a happy situation. Smiling was not appropriate right now. But he was doing it...so why couldn't I?

_I can't believe they had to strap me into this thing before he came._

"Well, this is embarrassing." I told him, wrinkling my nose, trying to get rid of an itch that had been bothering me for a while. The top strap on the bed was the loosest, so I had a little room to move my shoulders. It took a lot of stretching, but I eventually scratched my nose on my shoulder.

"What is?" He asked, suddenly paying attention.

"I'm strapped to my bed, Jace."

"Oh...I didn't notice." He lied.

_Ha. He's a bad liar. **I, **am a good liar. That's not a good thing, but it's true._

"Yes you did. It's the reason the nurse wouldn't let you in and you know it."

"Ok, I did notice. It doesn't matter though."

Yes it does.

It does matter. It _does _matter, Jake.

_Oh, why on earth is he here?_

_He's here to make fun of me. I'm sure of it. He heard the rumors and wanted to come just so he could make fun of me, just like everybody else. _

"Ok Jace, I'm just gonna come right out and ask...why are you here, and why are you being so nice to me?"

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

I was right. The first time, at least. He hadn't heard.

"You haven't heard the rumors, have you?"

_Well, duh, Clary. _

"What rumors?" He replied, looking genuinely confused.

That annoying little voice in my head started laughing.

Stop it.

_No._

Yes

_No._

YES!

_Fine_

"Oh, nothing...just, whatever you hear, please don't believe it. It's not true."

_Not that it will help to warn him. He'll see those pictures, and he'll be just like Simon. He won't believe me and he'll be bad at hiding it, too, no matter how good of an actor he is._

"What might I hear?" He asked, sitting down on a chair across from my bed.

I shouldn't have said anything

_You got that right, he'll be bugging you for a while._

Shut up.

_You won't be able to convince him._

"Never mind." I said shaking my head.

"No, I wanna know. I won't believe it, I promise. What are the rumors?"

_Ha ha. Told you._

Seriously, shut up before I pull my brains out just to get rid of you!

"Nothing!" I yelled. "Just, nothing."

He looked shocked by my sudden outburst.

"Sorry." I apologized.

"It's ok." He said, looking down at the floor, and then back up at me.

Ha. In your face stupid voice in my head.

"So, umm, how'd that movie go?"

"Well, we thought the first one went pretty well, so we filmed the sequel too, that's why I was gone so long. I didn't really want to, but they didn't want me to get any older."

"Oh..."

"Did I miss anything here?"

_YES! A lot! You missed everything!_

"Anything exciting, I mean" He added

I didn't want to lie to him. But I knew I had to. I didn't need him pitying me, just like everybody else will, when they find out.

"N-No..."

"Besides this."

"Yeah." I agreed

"Simon explained what happened...or at least what the police know."

That means he doesn't know the truth.

"Really." I replied.

Why cant I say more than one word at a time?

_Don't ask me._

I didn't.

_Yes you did._

Did not!

_Did too._

Shut up!

"Yeah...so you don't know who shot you?"

Yes. Yes I do. Of course I do.

Why wouldn't I? What story did they tell him?

"No..."

"That asshole deserves to go to prison." Jace growled.

He deserves more than that. Way more than that. He deserves to go through what I went through. Although I'm not so sure rape would hurt a guy as much as a girl. But maybe I'm wrong. I usually am.

I wish I had laser vision. Then I could zap his head off the next time he comes near me. Which, he will.

He just wants to rub his accomplishment in my face. He wants to rub his _crime_ in my face. He wants to rub his _sin_ in my face. At least he can't do anything to me while I'm in the hospital.

Maybe.

I looked back up at Jace.

"Jace. Why aren't you with your family? It's Christmas." I asked him. The expression on his face instantly changed.

"What family?" He replied. I could tell he wanted to cry. His eyes were shiny. He wouldn't do it though.

Jace was too _macho _to cry.

"Oh...I'm sorry, I just..."

_Good going Clary, now you made him cry._

He's not crying.

_He wants to._

Just shut up already!

"Oh it's ok. I mean I know you meant Izzy and Alec and all of them, it's just... Well they aren't really family, ya know. Robert cares more about my career than me. He's not really family...and Izzy and Alec well they have changed."

"I know how you feel." I wanted to tell him.

I wish he could read my mind. If he could I know what I'd say.

_My brothers best friend raped me, Jace. He's the one who shot me. I lied, I do know. And now he's going out with my ex-best friend. Please help me._

Maybe I should just yell it. Tell somebody.

Maybe even that grumpy overweight nurse that stabbed me in the stomach with that giant needle

yesterday.

He looked up at me and for a second, I almost thought he knew what I was thinking.

"It's terrible." he said.

"I know. I miss her." I told him.

"Me too."

"Right now...I don't really have family. I mean, my brother' almost dead...my mom is so depressed I can't stand to be around her..." I said.

He looked up at me and smiled.

Strange time to smile.

_I know._

What did I tell you?

_I know, I know...shut up._

"I can be your family." He said.

He's being so nice.

_I would really like that. Alot. I really **need **that. And so do you._

"And I can be yours."

He smiled at me and was about to say something when he was interrupted by my mom.

"Well hello...do the doctors know you're in here?"

"Umm, yeah." Jace said, looking up at the woman in the doorway.

"I can't believe their letting' people in here. I'll have to talk to them about that."

"No, mommy, it's fine. I wanted to see him." I told her. She looked like she was going to disagree, but she told me the doctor was coming instead.

"Thanks." I said. Mom nodded and sat down in the chair next to Jace. Jace looked uncomfortable. Truly uncomfortable.

Maybe that was a good sign. Isn't a guy normally nervous around the girl he likes' mom or dad? Maybe he won't desert me. Maybe he won't believe them.

Mom cleared her throat and leaned back in her chair. Jace shifted in his chair. I imagine those things are pretty uncomfortable. Aren't people in hospitals supposed to be comfortable? At least the patients should.

Maybe this is just a bad hospital

Jace stood up and turned to look at me.

"I guess I better go." I nodded, although I was disappointed. I didn't want him to go.

He was almost out the door when I stopped him.

_At least say goodbye!_

I will, give me a chance, stupid voice.

"Jace."

He turned around.

"Yes?"

"Merry Christmas." He smiled at me, and he looked happy. Again.

"Merry Christmas." He replied.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments series.**

**Authors Note: Okay well I'm sorry for the long wait for an update but didn't really know how I was going to do this chapter but I think it worked out nicely. Anyway Please Review and tell me what you think! Please and Thank You.**

They're just standing there in the doorway, with those stupid smiles on their faces.

Like everything is fine.

They haven't even introduced themselves yet. The man writes in his notebook and the woman nods. They've been repeating this cycle for ten whole minutes. I'm dying to say something to them, but I can't. My lips are dry, and my throat hurts. I can't move.

Finally, the man says something. Leave it to the man to be the one that talks. My sixth grade health teacher said that men like that are why the part of the mouth that moves is called the _man_dible.

Men never stop talking.

Women think, men don't.

That's why this happened, and why it is still happening, to me. Stupid, unthinking, talking men. One is particular, but I don't want to think his name. It hurts too much.

"Miss. Fray, I'm Detective Law, and..." Detective Law, a large, average height bald man, with a gigantic mustache, and coffee stains down his shirt, pointed at the woman next to him.

Detective Law, how original.

The woman should be Detective Order.

Hello. We're detectives Law & Order. No they didn't name the show after us. We're stupid cops whose only joy in life is to annoy the heck out of people who don't need, and won't to talk to, us, and nobody makes TV shows about people like that.

"This is Detective Lucille." The woman, much taller, and more slender than the man, with frizzy chestnut colored hair and no makeup, waved at me. I'm still not saying anything.

I don't acknowledge them. I don't nod. I don't say anything.

I know why they're here.

They're here to do those disgusting tests, to stick metal things where metal things should not be stuck, to take my blood, and to ask questions.

All that kind of cop stuff that will get them nowhere if I don't talk. I can't talk, I won't talk, and I don't need to talk..

I don't know why they didn't come earlier, back when the evidence was still there. These tests are pointless.

Like I said, this hospital stinks, and so does the law enforcement.

_All the evidence is gone._

No it isn't. It can't be.

_It is._

It is _not! _They'll still catch him!

_They are not gonna catch him! Face it Clary, he's gonna get away with it. Unless you say something._

I can't talk. I can't say anything. He'll kill me.

_Not if he's in jail._

Then he'll send someone else! Just shut up. Leave me alone!

_He's gonna get away with it._

"We're going to do a couple tests." Lucille said. Really? I thought you were gonna use that needle to get high. _I _thought you were gonna use that scary metal contraption to slit your throat. Too bad that's not the case.

"And we'll ask some questions." Detective Law finished Detective Lucille's sentence .

I sighed in response. I couldn't refuse, I didn't have the energy to.

Detective Lucille put on some gloves, completing the institution feel of this place with a final snap of the rubber, and Detective Law took out a notebook.

"So, can you tell us who did this to you?" He asked.

_Tell him!_

No!

_You have to!_

No I don't! Shut up!

_Fine. Be that way._

I shook my head.

The detective sighed.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Detective Law asked, moving on to the next question.

I looked at him weird and the woman noticed. She obviously mistook my expression of fury, mixed together with embarrassment, as one of worry.

"Honey, I know this is hard for you. It's hard for everybody. You didn't deserve this. But if you don't answer our questions, this won't get any better."

Either way, it's as bad as it can be. No matter if I say anything or not, he still did it, and there's a part of me, both physical and mental, that I will never get back.

"So can you please tell us what happened?"

"I...Well don't you already know?" I asked, wondering why I had to tell them when it would be easier for them to just take some pictures, push a couple buttons on a computer, and figure it out themselves.

_Would they be asking if they knew everything._

Maybe they would.

_They don't._

They know all I can tell them.

_Oh, Clary don't be like this._

Like what?

_Can't you think of people besides yourself? What if this happens again? To someone else. What if this happens to Izzy?_

Don't bring her into this.

_Why not? She's part of it._

Just stop talking about her!

"Clary? Honey? Did you hear that?" Detective Lucille asked.

I shook my head yes, even though I didn't.

"Good." She smiled.

"Ok, this is gonna be cold." I closed my eyes and waited, as she pushed my legs up, so that my knees were bent, and spread them apart. She stuck the cold metal thing in me and I grabbed the side of the bed.

"Are you ok? This isn't supposed to hurt very badly." Detective Law asked me, not bothering to do anything to make me more comfortable.

"Sorry...it's kind of reflex."

He looked at me funny and looked back down at his notebook.

The lady detective took her cold metal thing and put it all away.

"Ok." She said, with a highly inappropriate smile on her face. Don't smile. DON'T smile.

"We'll be back later when you feel like talking." Detective Law told me, like he expected that day to come.

That'll be never.

_You have to do it sooner or later._

No I don't.

_Whatever._

I pretended like I was asleep, for the rest of the day. I'd learned to do that while I'd been in the hospital. When people thought you were asleep, they left you alone. No more questions.

I learned the most while I was feigning sleep.

My mom came in to see me, but she didn't know I was really awake, so she just sat there, continuously sighing, sounding depressed.

It had probably been about four hours since the detectives had been here, when I heard Detective Law's voice again. At first I thought I had actually fallen asleep, and that this was just a dream. I realized it wasn't when I spread my legs apart a tiny bit, and felt a new wave of pain pulse through my body.

"Mrs. Fray?" The Detective asked my mom, like he didn't already know who she was. I knew for a fact they'd been talking out in the hallway for at least an hour before the detectives had questioned me.

"Yes?" mommy answered, sounding weary and anxious.

"We did some tests, and..."

"And...what? Spit it out!" Mommy urged him, getting impatient.

What's wrong? Burglar got your tongue?

_That makes no sense._

Yes it does.

_No it doesn't._

Burglars steal things, and if a burglar stole his tongue, then he couldn't talk.

_I know what burglars do._

Then why'd you ask?

_Ugh...nevermind._

Yeah, you shouldn't have said anything.

_I know that, but now you need to shut up._

I can't. These are my thoughts. They don't make any noise. So I can't shut up my thoughts.

_Then quit thinking._

No.

_Whatever._

"We discovered that..."

"Discovered_ what?"_

Yeah, discovered what? Tell me. Prove to us all just how wrong you are.

"Mrs. Fray...Not only has she been shot...your daughter's been raped. Multiple times."

"She's been what?" Mommy asked, obviously surprised.

"Mrs Fray. Clary has been raped." He repeated.

"What?" Came another voice.

I opened an eye and screamed inside.

Not only does my mom know what he did to me.

But so does Jace.

**P.S: Thanks again for reading!**

**P.S.S: Please Read my other Stories if you haven't:**

**I Miss You**

**Never Back Down (New)**

**The School Dance**

**Thanks! Oh and Don't Forget to review.. You know you want too :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Authors Note: Okay well I know I just updated on the 23rd or sometime around there but my friend claryxjace is staying the night and needless to say she bite me cause I said it was way to early to update so I was forced to update. But I also didn't want you guys to wait any longer. So without anymore waiting here's the next chapter..**

**Chapter 11:**

Of course. I had to say it.

I just had to say the one thing that a person could say in a situation like this, that would take all of the shocked people in the room's attention off the horrible, although accurate, news they just heard, and turn it to the fact that I just made myself look like a complete idiot.

"I was what?"

Oh yeah, good going Clary. Not only do the doctor's think you're crazy. Now, Your overprotective, nosey, annoying mom, an obese detective that would rather be working in a donut shop then investigating a rape case and a guy that saves people for a stupid Doctor TV show, think you're a stupid psychotic weirdo. Good, freaking, going.

They're all just staring at me, probably wondering if they accidentally removed my brain instead of that bullet.

"I mean...good morning!" I tried to fake a smile, but it seemed like I was trying to fake a fake smile, so I stopped. It hurt too much to move my face anyway.

"Why didn't you- How could you keep that a- why didn't you- WHAT?" Jace asked. At least, he tried to ask. He was so surprised he could barely get a word out, let alone a whole sentence.

Mom was just standing there, with a look on her face that I imagine she would wear if she ever was unfortunate enough to see whatever she doesn't want to see.

Boy am I stupid. You can't pretend like you didn't know you were raped, unless you're dead. But then you would probably be dead because you were raped, and you would know that. Or, you would in the few seconds before you died. I hate it when I confuse myself.

_Then stop thinking, stupid._

Hey, only I can call me stupid.

_I am you, so ha! Stupid._

Shut up. You are _not, _will never _be, _and never _was, _me.

_No._

Yes.

The detective made his way to the center of the room and stood at the end of my bed. He looked at my mom and Jace, and with his freaky telepathic alien mind waves, he told them to leave. And they did so. I wish they hadn't, now I was alone with him. I didn't have a clue what to say.

"Miss Fray, why didn't you mention this before?" He asked me. They had to have suspected it; why else would they have stuck that uncomfortable contraption up my private area.

It wasn't important then? Is that a good enough explanation?

_I told, you! I told you you should tell them! But did you listen? Nooo. You knew they'd find out eventually._

"Shut up."

"Excuse me? The detective asked, surprised.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean- I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to...never mind."

He sat down in a chair next to the bed and, trying, but failing, to look sympathetic, he asked me,

"Can you tell me who did it?"

Yes I can.

No, I won't.

_OH COME ON ALREADY! Just say it already, get it out._

I can't...I'm too scared.

_Don't be scared. If they catch him, he'll be in jail. You can make sure he never gets any visitors. He'll never find you. He won't send someone after you. Nothing will happen._

Shouldn't you be worried too? If I die, then you're gone.

_...It doesn't matter. Just as long as the world knows what he did._

They will. When I'm 90, delirious, and on my deathbed.

"I...It was-"

I can't do it.

_Yes you can! Come on, take a breath, in, out, in, out. Now open your mouth..._

"I don't know."

_Not what I was thinking..._

You can't think! YOU are a THOUGHT!

_But I-_

Quit thinking for me! I can do it myself.

"I know you're lying." Detective Law said.

"Then you know wrong, because I don't know who it was." I lied, trying my best to sound sure of myself.

Why wasn't I an actor? I know for a fact I convinced him.

_Thinking for yourself is what got you into this._

It is not.

"Clary, this is not going to get any easier unless you participate."

"Maybe I don't want it to get easier. Maybe I want to be punished." I told him, my voice staying steady, not giving away the earthquake that was going on inside me.

"Why would you want to be punished?" He asked me, like he cared.

"I lied. To myself."

Ok, I'll admit it. It wasn't HIS fault I was drunk at that party. It was his fault my drink was spiked, but everything that happened would have anyways. I was drunk, and it was my entire fault. I wanted to blame somebody for my mistakes, and HE seemed like the best person for the job. I know exactly what happened to me, and because it's my fault, I am going to punish myself. I don't want this to happen to other people, but If I tell, people will blame him, and forget all about what I did. I don't want to be let off free. I need to be punished. I NEED to. It is all my fault.

_This isn't your fault. You've already been punished enough. For Christ's sake, you've got a voice in your head; he's done enough to you. You haven't been let off the hook. It's **not** your fault._

Yes it is! Can't you see that? Don't you know that? You fight with me when I say it was him, and you fight with me when I say it was me! Whose fault is it?

_Fate._

How is this fate? Fate is supposed to be a good thing!

_Sometimes it isn't. Romeo and Juliet? It was fate that killed them. They weren't supposed to end up together, just like you weren't supposed to leave that party without experiencing what you did._

If I hadn't gone to that party, it wouldn't have happened to me. If I didn't know him, he wouldn't have hurt me.

_If this hadn't happen to you, it would've happened to someone else._

Like that is any better! Either way, somebody gets hurt, and it's not him, like it should be. It's **not **better.

_It is. Somebody else might not take it as well as you have._

I cannot believe I'm arguing with my thoughts. Those doctors are right. I am crazy.

_Maybe, but you know I'm right._

"How did you lie to yourself?" The nosy fat man in front of me asked, like I hadn't just gotten into a quarrel with a voice in my head.

Let me see, how did I lie to myself?

I knew she wouldn't let me go. Mom never let me go to anything. She was so overprotective; she wouldn't let me go down the driveway without first checking to see if there was anything I could trip on. I was her little girl, and she didn't want anything to happen to me. I realize now that she was only trying to protect me.

But it's too late.

I snuck out, I went to that party with everybody else. I was upset, and I needed something to take my mind off the breakup.

It was one of the biggest in history. Clary Fray and Jace Wayland. People were so sure we'd stay together that they didn't even make up a stupid little nickname, like Brangelina, or TomKat. It was Clary and Jace. Jace and Clary. There's nothing holding Tom and Katie together, or Brad and Angie. Just space between the letters. There's an "and" holding Jace and Clary together. You can't break that. It held us together like superglue. We were stuck like I was in this torture chamber.

I don't know why it happened. I was different then. His ego got to me. I couldn't stand him. There was too much Jace for me. Not now. Now that I have my other self, there's enough of me to balance out Jace.

Too bad I'm crazy now.

I couldn't break up with him. I didn't want to. I loved him, but I knew I had to do it. I was afraid of breaking his heart. I was so sure it would, that I didn't even wonder. I was so sure he loved me too, that I didn't even want to imagine what I would do if he didn't. He got tired of my sulking, and told me that he hated how sad I always was. He ended it for me. If he thought I was sad then, I wonder what he thinks now. He must really hate me.

I didn't break the "and."

He took it with him. That "and" was a part of me.

I guess I loved him more than I thought. I was so depressed that day that it took Izzy three hours to get me to give her one of my signature strange looks. She'd been purposely doing stupid things that, any other day, I would've made fun of her for, for hours. She got me to go to that party though. That was her fault.

The senior that sits in front of me in World History? It was his fault I took that beer.

It was Jace's fault that I drank it. I can blame Jace for everything, and there would be somebody that agrees with me.

Everybody is at fault. The people that make beer. It's their fault so many people were drinking. Eagle River Liquor. It's their fault. They sold the beer. Mr. and Mrs. Daniels. If they hadn't gone to that funeral in Kentucky, Adrian's party wouldn't have gotten so out of hand.

I can blame anybody I want, But I know it isn't their fault.

It's mine. I took that beer, and I chose to drink it. It's all my fault and nobody can tell me otherwise.

I snapped out of my day-mare, and looked at the detective. I couldn't even remember what he had asked.

The look on his face made me want to cry. When a drop of water slid down my neck I realized I was.

My sobbing started making it hard to breathe, and Detective Law reached out to comfort me. It didn't work, he was such an uncomforting person.

I started crying even more, and somehow, I started screaming. I don't know why. I didn't _want_ to.

A nurse ran in and tried to comfort me, followed by my mom and Jace. I don't why Jace was still at the hospital. If I were him I wouldn't still be here. I wouldn't have come at all.

"Good going Detective! Look what you did! I think it would be best if you left." Mommy said, while I was screaming and thrashing around, trying to get the rest of the straps loose, for no apparent reason, other than that I wanted to get out of the bed, and jump off the roof.

If I wasn't strapped to this bed, I would be out of here.

Mom turned to Jace,

"I think you need to go too."

"No, let me have a minute." He refused, while the nurse pushed me down on the bed, having to fight me with more difficulty that usual, and buckled the top strap they had loosened earlier.

She pulled it tighter, and Jace stepped forward.

He reached out like he was inspector Gadget, and could extend his hand all the way over to me. I wanted him to. I wanted him to touch me. He could touch my forehead, my chin, my foot, I really didn't care what.

I just wanted to feel his skin, and how warm it was.

He took another step and his hand fell to the bed. Jace's fingers ran up the side of the bed while I was still trying to get loose, although I still couldn't figure out why.

His fingers brushed against my hand and I stopped screaming, that second. Jace grabbed my hand, but I couldn't feel it because the straps were too tight, and they were cutting off my circulation. His other hand touched my shoulder, and I stopped crying. His left hand moved to my cheek, and I did something I didn't think I would do for a long time.

I smiled. A real, genuine, smile.

**P.S: Okay so how was that? I hope it was good lol. Anyways Thanks for reading!**

**P.S.S: OH and If you're dying for more You can go read my other stories to keep you entertained until my next update! :P**

**P.S.S.S: (haha I love post scripts) Review c'mon you know your little hand wants to take the mouse and click the little blue review button and then you know you want to type what you think and then hit send! Haha Please and Thank you!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Authors Note: Okay So I Know My updates for this story have been kinda faster but I just had to update this chapter! And I know you guys probably aren't really minding anyway lol but anyways here's the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I Do Not own the mortal instruments series!**

**Warning: There is a little bit of out of characterness with Jace but I guess that's to be expected considering he's trying to be there for clary and stuff but here you go! **

She's sitting in that chair like she knows everything.

Is that smirk on her face supposed to be reassuring? Because it's not.

She's sitting in that chair like she knows what I'm thinking.

I know she's not. If she did, she would be mad. She would wish she _didn't _know whatI was thinking.

She's sitting in that chair like she's making me feel better.

But she's not. Not one reassuring thing has come from that tiny mouth of hers.

She's sitting in that chair like she's thinking of a way to help me.

But she's not. There is _no_ way to help me.

She's sitting in that chair like she's not wasting her time.

But she is. She needs to leave.

Unless this woman has a time machine and can erase all of this, she cannot help me one bit.

Maybe she does have a time machine.

She sure looks like a scientist. Dr. Stevens has a big ugly white coat on, and her skirt is pulled up _way _too high. It's like she's using it as a bra.

There's a ketchup stain on her white button-up blouse, and she's trying to hide it with a big ugly broach that clashes with her green and brown plaid skirt, straight out of the 80s.

She must be from a different time if she thinks those shoes are still in style.

And her hair...you could hide a whole birds nest under that frizzy stuff.

"Can you tell me about yourself?" She asks with an annoying nasally whine.

Can you tell me about yourself? That's the oldest one in the book. As a therapist, you're not supposed to use that one. Ha. Can you tell me about yourself?

I think not.

No way would I tell this strange woman I barely know, one thing about myself. She wouldn't understand.

I haven't said a word the last twelve times she's been here, what makes her think I will now?

"Oh come on Deary, can't you say _something?"_

Oh come on deary, can't you say something? I can, but once again, I won't.

_Come on Claryy, speak up._

Not you _again_.

_Yes, it's me again, and I won't go away until you say something._

Well then, you better start decorating, because you're gonna be there forever.

_I won't stop bugging you. You have to speak up. Speak, Clary, speak!_

I'm not a dog, I don't sit on command, I don't roll over, or shake, I don't do what you say, and I never will, so leave me alone and quit treating me like an animal!

She's sitting in that chair like she's gonna get something out of me.

But she's not.I won't say anything. Never. Not ever.

She's sitting in that chair like she's not gonna leave.

But she will. She always does, every time.

"There's no use. You should just leave like you always do." I tell her, finally saying something.

"Oh that's a greatstart!"

_Oh that's a **great **start!_ _Come on lady, it's a horrible start. It's not even a start. It's not an end. It's not middle. It's nothing. And you know it._

I remain silent, and just like I predicted, she leaves.

She always does. It's a good thing though. I don't want her here. I want my privacy, and I _will _get it_._

So much for that, here comes the doctor.

Maybe they'll take me to a brain surgeon and just pry my secret from my brain.

He doesn't say a word. He just takes off all these straps, grabs my sore arm, unwraps the bandage, and cleans my shoulder wound.

"Looks like the infection's gone. You get to go home today." He doesn't sound very enthused.

Not that he would be. He doesn't get to go home.

"Not without my brother." I tell him.

He looks at me strangely, and licks his lips. His mouth just hangs open for a minute, before he says anything.

"Did nobody tell you? He woke up this morning."

I sit up so fast that I get a headache. I put my hand on the back of my head, and say,

"WHAT? Why did nobody tell me? Can I go see him?" I start to get off the bed, but he stops me.

"Whoa, slow down there Speedy Gonzales, we have to finish here first."

He finishes cleaning my shoulder and says,

"That's about the most I've heard you say the entire time you've been here."

I just nod my head as if to say, _Well, yeah, I think any normal human being would be excited if somebody they loved woke up from a coma._

"You and your brother...you're pretty close?"

"Really close." I answer. It wasn't one hundred percent true, but it would be, once I got a chance to talk to Jonathan.

"I wish it was like that for me."

"It can be. You just have to try." I tell him, sounding just like the crazy therapist I hate so much.

He smiles at me and tosses the bandage into the garbage can. He puts a band aid with smiley faces on it over my almost completely healed wound, and smiles at me.

"Smile? Get it?"

I let out a little laugh and look at him, waiting. He grabs my arm and helps me out of the bed. I never realized it would be this hard to stand.

_Well duh, you **were **in a hospital bed for over a month._

So what! Who cares! Shut up!

_Real mature!._

You're the immature one...uhh...

_Clary...?_

That's my name!.

_I am you, so it's my name too._

It is not! Only crazy people talk to themselves!

_And you're a crazy person, see how that works out?_

Shut up! Seriously! I am so close to pulling my brains out, you do not even know.

The only halfway nice doctor I'd dealt with so far helped me to the door, but I stopped.

"I want to do it myself."

He looks unsure, but says,

"Ok...He's in room 419. Just yell if you need help."

I nod and he leaves the room, to go be nice, and put smiley face bandages on other people's wounds like the good person he is.

Before I could do it, I took a breath. In...out...ok, lets go.

I moved my stiff legs and slowly, while using the wall as support, and I got to the hallway his room was in.

I could see the sign next to the door.

419

This is it.

He's in there. They're _all_ in there.

I can't do it. I can barely even stand anymore. My knees are going weak. I'm about to collapse.

Something grabs my arm and chills shoot up my spine, spreading throughout all of my extremities.

This tingling feeling told me exactly who was holding my arm.

"Now where on earth are you going?" He asked with a smile I knew he was forcing. There was no way he could smile at a person like me.

"419."

"Okay." He said simply, before helping me down the hallway, like that was what he'd been planning all along.

I pushed his hand away and took another step. But I stopped again.

He reached for my hand, and said,

"You can do this. I know you can."

"I can't Jace. _I know_ I can't."

"Clary...you may not believe in yourself, but I sure as hell do, and whether you can or not, you are going in there."

He does not even realize how much I wanna kiss the life out of him right now. It may seem strange, at this particular moment, but the only thing keeping me off of him was the stiffness and pain I was feeling. I have never had this feeling, on the inside, before.

"I have to do it...I'm scared, Jace."

I reached out for his arm and squeezed it. He took my hand off of his arm and held it in his own. He smiled at me, and squeezed it.

"Don't be. There's nothing scary about it. It'll be just like before. He's in there and he wants to see you."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, squeezing his hand back.

"I just am. If you're scared, just close your eyes."

"Ok..." I took a deep breath and let it out before closing my eyes.

Jace grabbed a hold of my shoulders and steered me down the hallway.

He stopped and I could hear a voice.

"Clary?"

I opened my eyes and the anxiety went away.

"Jonathan"

The first thing I saw was not Jonathan though.

It was Izzy.

She's sitting in the corner holding Sebastian's hand. She's sitting in that chair like she doesn't care.

But she does. I know she does. She Has to.

**Another Authors Note: Well Did you guys like it? You should defiantly tell me in a review!**

**P.s: Don't forget to read my other stories if you guys want something else to entertain your minds with!**

**The School Dance**

**Never Back Down (New)**

**I Miss You**

**Thanks Again!**

**Xxx,**

**xxLostxLovexx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Authors Note: Okay you guys here you go! I'm kind of sad updating this chapter cause it means that this story is almost over with. I think there's like 3 or 4 more chapters left I'm not entirely sure yet. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments**

**** Songs I used for this chapter:**

**Fall To Pieces- Avril Lavigne **

**Little Wonders- Rob Thomas**

I found myself lying awake in my own bed, at home, wondering what the hell happened.

Do I just have the memory of a goldfish, or did something happen to me back at the hospital?

_Don't ask me._

It was a rhetorical question. I didn't.

_If you weren't asking me, who were you asking?_

Elvis!

_Elvis? What the heck?_

Never mind, I forgot it's weird to talk to dead people.

_It sure is._

Just stop so I can figure out why I'm here, ok?

I sat up in bed and suddenly felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach.

"Wonderful..." I said to nobody in particular.

My room was getting really hot, so I threw the covers down to the end of the bed and got up.

I was stiff at first, but after a minute or two, I was able to walk, with little pain.

There was a pair of jeans sitting on the chair, and a jacket on the floor. I put them on.

I did some laps around the second floor of my house before I even thought about trying to make it down the stairs.

When I did, Sebastian's mom was sitting on the couch.

"Oh, good, you're up. I was beginning to wonder." She said with a fake smile.

I returned the favor.

"Are you hungry?"

I shook my head and went into the kitchen. I took a water bottle out of the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. I took it out two minutes later, and went back into the living room. The couch was free, now that Ashley was in the bathroom, so I laid down on it, and put the hot water bottle on my stomach.

Ashley came back in the room and gave me a look of pity.

I don't need pity. I don't even care anymore, and pity is not gonna change that.

"Upset stomach?"

I just nodded and close my eyes.

"Your mom told me to wait here until you woke up. She's at the hospital with Jonathan. Do you want me to take you?"

I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to talk to him. I shook my head no.

"...okay."

She reached for her coat, and was out the door in approximately three minutes.

I kept my eyes closed until the pain in my stomach went away, and when it did, I finally sat up.

When I opened my eyes, I could make out the shadow of somebody standing in the doorway. My eyes adjusted, and I desperately wanted to let out a scream. He was holding a beer in one hand, and the other was in his front pocket.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey? _Hey? _After all you've done to me, all you can say is _hey?"_

He nodded and took a drink. I got up and snatch it from his hands.

"Hey!" He complained, smiling at me. He stuck his hand out and started playing with a loose strand of my

hair.

"I am a human being! Even with everything you've taken from me, I am still human! I have feelings! "

"Okay? What does this have to do with me?" He asked, sticking his hand out against the wall to support himself.

"It has everything to do with you! I have knees!"

"You know you just said knees right? I think you meant to say needs but who knows what goes on in that little whacked out brain of yours."

" I know I said knees! Do you want to see them?"

He said nothing, so I set the beer down while I unbuttoned my jeans. I was so angry I didn't even know what exactly it was that I was doing.

"Yep, there they are knees. I also have a belly button, you wanna see that?" I ask, unzipping my jacket.

"I am a human! I am alive whether you like it or not! I have lungs, a heart, a brain, ribs, everything!" I scream as I continue stripping in front of him. I really couldn't explain why I was doing it. I didn't _want _to.

"See? SEE!"

I could see a smile appearing on his perverted face, so I told him,

"Just do it. Do whatever you want with me, just as long as you don't hurt Izzy. I don't even care about myself anymore."

He just continued standing there.

"I know you want it. Just...promise me..."

I took a big drink from his beer, to numb my brain, so that it wouldn't seem so bad when he actually did it.

"...That you won't hurt her."

He smiled his evil grin and reached out for me. He puts his hand on my cheek and said,

"I can't do that. I'm in love with _you, _and I can't help that. She'll get hurt...just not...in the physical sense...by the way, I am sorry about that." He ran his finger along my shoulder, over the fresh tissue growing over the bullet hole HE put there.

"Please! Sebastian please! Just take me. Use me all you want. Please just leave her alone...I know you want this, and you aren't very good at hiding it."

"Hey Clary what the hell...what are you doing?" A voice came from the back door.

I turned around, not even caring that I was completely naked. It was just Jace anyways. Had he been able to stand my depression, he probably would've seen it all by now anyways.

"Just leave me alone Jace, let him finish what he's done!"

Sebastian laughed and said,

"I have no clue what you're talking about...you've had a little too much of this." He took the beer out of my hand and sauntered down the hallway, like nothing was going to happen now.

"Why don't you get some clothes on and come with me..." Jace offered, holding his hand out to me. I didn't take it.

I crossed my arms in defiance and said,

"I'm not going to the police. I'm not going with you Jace."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't. Jace, I am a coward! There is not a pinch of bravery in me! I can't do it. Just, please, leave."

"No, I won't leave you alone with him." He refused, scrunching his eyes together.

"Please Jace, just leave. I can't do this with you here! I really want you to leave. Just...get out of my life!" I yelled at him.

Fine… If you want me gone. I'm gone." He gave in, after ten whole seconds of obvious internal arguments.

Jace turned around and left through the door he came in through, disappearing into the pink sky.

The sun was setting, and I did not want to be home come nightfall, so I went back into my room, put on a tee shirt and some shorts, grabbed my guitar that Jonathan bought me for my 16th birthday. He saved up 2 months of paychecks so he could get it for me. It was my favorite present from him; I went down to the lake.

The nearest rock became my chair, and the water became my audience.

I plucked a few strings and started playing a song that had been playing in my mind. I started humming along, but stopped when I heard a bird calling. I looked up and stared into the night sky for a good twenty minutes.

The lake was silent except for the sound of the fish splashing from the water, and the distant sound of cars on the highway far behind me. I broke the silence with my sobbing and watched my newly replenished tears hit the rock I was sitting on.

I started playing my guitar again, trying to keep my mind off what was going on, and started humming again, where I left off at.

I could hear footsteps in the sand, and soon, Jace joined me on the rock.

I kept playing the guitar, and looked up at him. I had gotten so good at that particular instrument, that I could play it with my eyes closed, with my feet, or even asleep.

"Hey. How are you doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders, continuing to play the song I'd been playing, before he asked,

"Do you wanna talk?"

Without pausing, I started playing a different song.

He looked at me, with pleading eyes, silently begging me to say something.

I didn't say anything. Instead, corny as it sounds, I sang.

"I looked away, Then I look back at you. You try to say, The things that you can't undo. If I had my way, I'd never get over you. Today's the day, I pray that we make it through."

I look up at him, and he looked utterly confused. It appeared he hadn't heard the song before.

"Make it through the fall. Make it through it all"

I looked up at him again and could tell he finally recognized what I was playing.

"And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you, I don't want to talk about it. 'Cause I'm in Love With you."

He smiled at me, resting his hand on my shoulder._ I_ knew it was just a song, and _he_ knew it was just a song, but we both knew it _was _true, had _been_ true, had never _stopped_ being true, and would continue to_ be_ true.

"You're the only one, I'd be with till the end. When I come undone, you bring me back again. Back under the stars, back into your arms."

I start playing even louder and he crossed his legs, so that he was sitting Indian style.

"And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you, I don't want to talk about it. 'Cause I'm in Love With you..."

I looked at him again. He was now staring at the lake then at me again

"Wanna know who you are, wanna know where to start, I wanna know what this means! Wanna know how you feel, wanna know what is real, I wanna know everything, everything! And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you, I don't want to talk about it."

I didn't even look up to see his expression this time.

"And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you, I don't want to talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you, I don't want to talk about it. 'Cause I'm in Love With you."

I started playing a little softer and cleared my throat.

"I'm in love with you, 'cause I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you."

I stopped playing and looked up at him.

"That was beautiful." He said, looking at a loss for anything better to say.

I put the guitar down, and said, quietly,

"Thank you."

He put his hand on my shoulder and I couldn't stop myself. I burst into tears and he just held me.

"It's ok...shhh...shhh...you're gonna be fine." He assured me, like it was a fact.

After a while, I stopped crying, and said,

"There's no use telling anybody. Jonathan's gonna do it. He probably already has."

"Why is that a bad thing?" He asked, sympathetically.

"I'm not afraid for myself. I know I'm gonna die eventually...I'm scared for Izzy...and all the other victims he'll have if I tell...I'm a coward Jace, I can't do anything without being scared."

"Any sane person would be scared, Clary.. This shouldn't have happened to you. This shouldn't happen to anybody."

He twirled my hair between his fingers, just like he always used to, and said,

"I'm gonna show you something I've never shown anybody before."

I turned in his lap and asked, with my mind completely off of what had happened not an hour earlier, which was probably his exact motive,

"What?"

He reached for my guitar, and I slid out of his lap. He looked at me, and starts playing the exact same song I had been playing before he came. He was actually pretty good.

"Let it go, Let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know? The hardest part is over. Let it in, let your clarity define you. In the end, We will only just remember how it feels"

I smiled at him and let a tear roll freely down my cheek. A tear that had nothing to do with the ordeal I'd been going through.

"Our lives are made, in these small hours. These little wonders, these twists & turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain."

I pulled on a strand of my hair, and tucked it behind my ear, still watching him intently, listening.

"Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you. Let it shine, until you feel it all around you, And I don't mind, If it's me you need to turn to. We'll get by, It's the heart that really matters in the end"

I couldn't believe how good he sounded, and it showed in my facial expression.

"Our lives are made, in these small hours. These little wonders, these twists & turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain."

He smiled at me while he continued to sing. Not missing a single note.

"All of my regret will wash away somehow. But I cannot forget, the way I feel right now. In these small hours. These little wonders. These twists & turns of fate, these twists & turns of fate. Time falls away but these small hours, these small hours, still remains, still remain. These little wonders. These twists & turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours. These little wonders still remain."

He put the guitar down and stared at me. I rested my hand on the rock underneath me, and used it to help me do something I had not done in a long time. Something I'd wanted to do ever since he'd started playing the guitar.

I kissed him.

**P.S- Did you like it? I hope! But let me know in a review please and thank you!**

**P.P.S: Don't forget to read my new stories Never Back Down and Dear Jace! And also my other stories on my profile. I mean if you want to but it would be greatly appreciated. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Authors Note: Hey peeps! I'm sorry for the late update but I've been busy babysitting so I can go to a concert with my friend.. and I am happy to say that I can! YES! Anyway I'm kinda sad to be posting it cause that means there is only one more chapter ****L****. Here is the chapter that ya'll have been waiting for!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal Instruments series. It belongs to Cassandra Clare.**

I cannot believe I stayed out here all night. I cannot believe _he _stayed out here all night.

I can feel his arms around me, and the softness of his muscular chest behind my head. I can vaguely see the sun rising, and I realize, this may be the last sunrise I ever see. This may be my last day on this earth.

This horrible, depressing thought has crossed my mind many times before now, but at this moment, on the lake, with the one person I can be honest with, the one person I can talk to without being judged...Here on the lake with Jace, I discover something.

I don't want to die.

Maybe Jonathan hasn't told them yet. If he had, the police would be looking for me, right? He couldn't have told them. If he had, there would _definitely _be people looking for me. People that wanted to scream and yell at me for not saying anything. People that just _didn't _understand. It's not like I'm hiding in a cave underground or something. If they wanted to find me, they could.

My urge to tell somebody starts waning, so I quickly sit up, waking Jace and not caring, because I needed to get there before I changed my mind.

_Somebody_ should be looking for me. Like my mom. I mean, I've been gone all night, why isn't anyone missing me?

"Jace." I whisper.

His eyes meet mine and I continue.

"I'm gonna tell somebody."

"Really? That's great!" He's so enthusiastic. It sickens me.

I just stare at him, pulling out more words with my eyes.

"I mean, I'm sure this is gonna get better. He'll be in jail, you'll feel safer...everything will be back to normal."

Normal...I wish it could be normal. _I, _will never be normal. Not me. No way Jose. Not me. Not normal.

"Well, as normal as it can get." He quickly corrected, realizing what I was thinking.

I brushed a strand of hair out of my eyes, and supported my leaning body with my hands. Jake stood up and put out his hand to help me, but I didn't take it. I needed to do all of this myself. It had to be my decision

He stared at me, silently begging me to take his hand. I reached for his lovely hand, calling me out to it, just like the rest of him, but I retracted my hand midway.

His eyes just burned holes in mine, not evil holes, more like...yearning holes...until I nervously took the extended hand in mine. He helped me up and I leaned against him. Jace took a step forward and I followed him.

I looked up at him and saw his normal smirk on his face again.

"What are you smirking at?" I asked with one eye-brow raised.

"Nothing.. Just I knew you couldn't resist my mega hotness that much longer." He said while taking another step forward.

"You just had to ruin a perfectly good moment didn't you." I replied while hitting his arm.

He shrugged. "It's what I do best"

I let out a chuckle and kept walking. Wondering what I just got myself into.

Before I knew it, the police station was looming over me.

"I can't do it." I said to Jace, changing my mind the second I saw the huge scary looking building, with all those secrets inside..

"What? Why?" He asked me.

"I just can't, Jace! Not now! Can't you let me do this myself? Let me do it on my own time."

"No, I can't Clary. You will _never _do this by yourself! Your own time is _not _good enough."

"Why do you care anyways?" I asked him. "If I die, you won't have to worry about me, you won't have to deal with the crying, you won't have to keep forcing me to tell somebody..."

"I care because I want you. I want to worry about you, I want to deal with the crying, I want you to tell people, because...because...well...because I love you."

He loves me?

He _loves _me?

He l-o-v-e-s me?

"You don't mean that." I say, trying not to believe it, so that when he tells me he was just trying to push me to tell somebody, it doesn't hurt so much. It'll still tear my heart out, ripping all the seams, leaving them to continue unraveling.

"Yes I do." He replies, _meaning _it.

"I...I...I lo-"

"Clarissa Fray!" I am interrupted by yet another unwelcome detective.

"Come with me." He says in a voice the leads me to believe he may be related to my one teacher with that annoying voice. Crap what's his name? Oh i guess it's not that important at the moment.

"I'm Detective Keen, and I've been looking for you all night, along with many of the other officers in the 'Special Victims Unit'."

You haven't been looking _hard. _You don't care.

I just stare at the man, and he pulls on my arm.

"You, what's your name?" He asks Jace.

This man _obviously _has no life...or TV. Or magazine, or friends, or anything that makes noise besides his dog.

"Jace...Jace Wayland."

"Oh. You're that kid in that movie aren't you?" He asks, very un-enthusiastically.

"Uhh, yeah..."

"Come with me." Detective Not-too-keen orders.

The Detective pulls me into the police station, and Jace whispers, "His name should be Detective Unfriendly."

I smile at this remark, but the Detective turns around, and I realize what I'm doing here, again, so it quickly disappears.

He seems very eager to talk to me, but leaves me sitting with Jace in what somewhat resembles a waiting room.

There are four chairs and an end table. A couple magazines are sitting on the end table, but they're nothing worth reading.

Police Weekly

Forensic Facts

Stuff like that.

I doubt any police officers are going to be waiting here. Most likely, criminals will be sitting here, and if they read police magazines, they'll know what the police are looking for, and then they'll get away with their crimes. I don't think this was thought through.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Jace's lips moving, but I have no clue what he's saying. I bet it's "Don't worry, it'll be fine." "I am so glad you're doing this, I swear you will feel so much better after you tell them." or something like, "I once had to do something like this in a movie" and then some quote from it.

I bet I could run and nobody would notice. Jace is too into his speech about the moral values of "Teen Crime Investigator", and everybody else around here is _way _to interested in their computers. Except one person.

I come back to reality when a different Detective is standing in front of me.

This one is a woman. A very plain woman. She's wearing a gray skirt and a white blouse, with buttons I might add, and a matching gray jacket. I like her shoes though. Her hair. It's shoulder length and blond, but not exciting. It just hangs there. It blends in well with her non-existent makeup.

She could be really pretty if she tried, but I'm thinking you don't have much time for a life when you have this job.

"Hello, Miss. Fray, I'm Detective Lindsey Hardman. Will you come with me?"

I wonder if they named the prison after her. That'd be depressing. Tons of criminals, with no life short of eating nasty prison food and sitting on a tiny toilet in a tiny prison cell, knowing your name better than their own.

I look at Jace, almost asking for permission, and he smiles. The smile confuses me, and I turn to follow the Detective. She takes me down the hall to a small room with four chairs and a table. A single light bulb dangles above the table. It _looks_ like a prison cell. Minus the toilet.

She motions for me to sit in one of the chairs, so I do.

Detective Lindsey Hardman sits across from me and says,

"Clarissa.." she started to say.

"Clary" i said staring blankly at her.

"Clary, you know why you're here, right?"

I nod, and she continues.

"Are you aware that your brother awoke from a coma two days ago?"

Again, I nod.

"When he woke up...he had an interesting story to tell..."

I lean back in my chair and put my hands in my lap.

"He said, that he was shot by his best friend," She looks down at a piece of paper in front of her. Sebastian Verlac. You were there, is this true?"

I shrug my shoulders, and she sighs.

Lindsey Hardman leans back in her chair and says,

"I'm trying to make this easier for you, and you need to cooperate for that to happen."

She's such a bitch. Can't she just be nice? Being mean won't make me say anything any time soon.

"So is it true?" She repeats.

I nod, although I don't want to give her the satisfaction of it.

"Good...we're making progress."

"He said that when he came into the house...you were on the couch, out cold...and Sebastian was on top of you?"

I just stare at her in agreement.

"So...you were raped by your brother's best friend?"

I don't say anything, and just start drumming my fingers on the table.

"Is this true?" She asks.

I continue to play music on the table.

"Clary?"

She waves her hand in my face and I look up at her.

"Clary, is it true?"

I looked away and ran my tongue over my teeth, trying to decide whether or not I should lie. I have a chance to get it all over with. Why shoudn't I? I could end this right now. No more.

I turn to the detective and told her,

"Yes."

**P.s: So what did you people think? Did You like it? Don't forget to review! I would greatly appreciate it!**

**P.p.s: Don't forget to read my other stories if you want too!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Authors Note: Hey people! I know I just updated this story like yesterday but I was bored and my back has been killing me lately and my boy-friend hasn't been..Well lately and so I decided to update again to keep my mind off stuff anyway.. I'm sad to say that there is Officially Only one chapter left! I know sad face right? But I'm thinking about doing a sequel but only if you readers would want to read it and stuff, But yeah anyways I'm rambling and I'm running out of things to say so here you guys go! The next Chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal Insturments series and despite my begs and pleases and prayers to god I probably never will so yeah.**

**Warning: There is some detail in the this chapter about what happened soo Yeah nothing really bad but Just thought I would warn you people about it to be safe and to keep my mind from being like errr I should of warn them but yeah here you go. Oh yeah one more thing there is mild cursing in here but then again is that really a big surprise? Well here you officaly go! The next chapter!**

This seat is uncomfortable. This room is too hot. The Judge has a uni-brow. Sebastian's lawyer is a lying..._slug_.

They make court look way more glamorous on TV. Like in Law & Order, or CSI. The people don't look uncomfortable; the judge isn't a old fat guy. It's not fair. The lawyers aren't any nicer, but at least their clothes match, and there's no food stains.

My lawyer is okay though. Her name is Kate Allen, and she's the second best lawyer in New York.

It's not like I need a great lawyer though. If anyone in the jury has half a brain, they'll find him guilty. He doesn't have to say a word. They don't have to know anything, and they would find him guilty

His lawyer is standing in the front of the room, hiding a smile. I can tell he's gonna lie about something.

"Sebastian Verlac is not a rapist. Sebastian Verlac was _sick. _After he was arrested, our doctors performed the mandatory check up. The doctors found something. Sebastian had a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball."

He turns to the "witness", who is old, fat, and look's like the judge's twin, minus the uni-brow.

"Doctor Holehouse, Could you tell us where this tumor was located?"

"When we performed the CT scan, we found a malignant tumor in his Frontal Lobe."

"Doctor, what does this part of the brain control?" The slimy scumbag slug of a lawyer asked.

"The frontal lobe controls behavior, problem solving, emotion, judgment, personality..."

Are they seriously trying to say he did this to me because of a stupid tumor?

"So this tumor could have caused Sebastian to do things he normally would not do, right?"

"Yes, it would."

"Nothing further."

Kate got up and approached the doctor.

"Doctor Holehouse, Is it possible that Sebastian Verlac could have performed this act without the tumor?"

"I suppose." He answered. "If he would normally act that way, the tumor might not have been the cause."

"And, the tumor could return, is that not correct?"

"It could..." Fatso replied

She turned to the jury and said,

"Do you want to let a rapist free _just because _he had a tumor, which, most likely, will return?"

She paused.

"I didn't think so." And with that, she sat down.

Assy Andrew rose and said,

"The defense calls Jonathan Fray to the bench."

_This man is stupid. Does he actually believe my own brother will say something bad about me?_

John slid into the bench, carefully, and looked at the so-called-lawyer.

They went through the whole, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, yadda yadda yadda, thing, and ass-man got in his face.

"Mr. Fray, you claim that you witnessed my client raping your sister, correct?"

"Yes." Jonathan replied.

"Are you sure that is what you saw?"

John nodded, and said,

"Yes."

"But can you be one hundred percent positive that that is what you saw?"

Assy Andrew asked (harassed) him.

"I know I saw that son of a bitch rape my sister." John shot a glance to and apologized with his eyes.

"You go to work after school, correct?"

He nods.

"So you were probably tired. And when you're tired, you don't pay much attention to what's going on around you. So you could have seen something entirely different."

The sorry excuse for a lawyer nodded, like he was sure whatever he was thinking was right.

"Listen, I know what I saw." Jonathan said, earning a warning glare from the judge.

"Mr. Fray, how do you know your sister isn't just a whore? How do you know she wasn't just having sex with your friend?"

Did I mention that I _hate _slugs?

"Objection, your honor, he's insulting my client!" Kate yelled.

"Sustained." The judge replied, obviously bored. He looked like he was falling asleep.

The bad excuse for a human being sighed and said,

"How can you be sure she did not consent?"

"First of all, my sister would _never ever_ do something like that, second, I could hear her screaming when I pulled into the driveway, and third, when I came in, she was unconscious. My sister might just be strange, but I'm pretty sure that means she _did not_ consent."

"That's just it. Maybe your sister _is _Just strange", I mean,"

_Oh he is so not going there._

"She has been diagnosed with both Psychosis _and _Schizophrenia."

_Oh he went there._

I could almost feel Jace's eyes burning into the back of my head, even though he was in the way back of the room.

"After this happened. He's the cause of it." He said, the anger showing in his voice.

"You don't know that for sure. She hasn't been thoroughly examined."

Before Jonathan could reply and pointlessly defend me any further, Slimebag says,

"Nothing further."

Kate got up and stood in front of my brother.

"Could you please describe what happened that night?"

"Umm...Well, I was coming home from work early, because my boss had a family emergency. When I was in the driveway, I heard screaming, so I ran to the house...I heard some more screaming...and_...other_...noises."

He shivered in disgust and continued.

"The screaming stopped, but I was kind of...scared...I didn't know what was going on, so I called the police...and then I came inside. They were on the couch. She was unconscious...I think he knocked her out on the side table, there was a little blood on it...he saw me, and he got off her...that's when she woke up. She was screaming, and he was coming after me with a gun, so I went in the kitchen and got a knife. He had me cornered, so I stabbed him...then he chased me up the stairs and pointed the gun at me...Clary was still screaming, and he tried to shoot her...but he missed, like three times, but he got her in the shoulder...he...started apologizing...telling her he loved her and he didn't mean it...and then he shot me, and I fell down the stairs...then I don't remember what happened."

"Thank you." Kate told him, before sitting down.

"Court is in recess until 9 am tomorrow morning."

The judge said, before resting his head in his arms, probably to take a nap.

Kate patted me on the shoulder, smiled, and my mom took my hand.

Sebastian's mom didn't even look at me. I'm not sure if it's because she feels guilty, or because she doesn't believe me. His family and mine is _so _in need of therapy.

As were leaving, Jace caught up with us.

"Psychosis? Schizo-whatever? Why didn't you tell me?" He asked.

"Do you know what that means, Jace? It means I'm crazy."

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know why it hadn't had this effect before...

"I'm crazy."

_I really am crazy._

_I'm crazy..._

_I'm crazy._

_I'm crazy and it's his entire fault._

**P.S: Soo what did you guys think? I hope you liked it because yeah I would think that this was really stupid of me to write if you guys were like this story was really dumb and her writing more was like lame and stuff but yeah, anywho Please leave a review! I would love you forevers and evers and I will make you guys CUPCAKES! I mean who doesn't like cup cakes right?**

**P.p.s: Ohh don't forget to read my other stories if your up to it! But I think you are up to it!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Authors Note: Okay well Here's the last chapter you guys.. I hope you like it.**

**I just wanted to take a moment to thank all the readers who have read and reviewed and added this story to their story alerts. You guys have made me want to countinue writing this story and not give up on it. So thank you everybody you guys are the best and I love you for that.**

**This is the last chapter for this. I am thinking about writing a sequel though and I think I have like 3 or 4 votes so far but If I get like 10-15 votes for it I will do it. So If you want a sequel to this story then make sure you tell me in like a review or a Pm whichever one works for best for you. I don't really care how you tell me just make sure you tell me lol.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the mortal instruments series. **

**Chapter Songs:**

**Bent - Matchbox twenty**

**These Hard Times - Matchbox Twenty**

You would thinking telling the world something so important would be like a giant weight lifted off your shoulders. You would think it would make you feel better. But it doesn't.

I can no longer pretend it didn't happen. It's out in the open now.

When it was bouncing around in my head, I could pretend it never happened. Now that I spoke the words, its real. The words bring it to life.

I sit on my bed, my clothes in front of me, my eyes directed to the tree outside my window. I feel dead. Maybe I should say something. Words might bring me to life. But I keep quiet.

Completely.

Silent.

No sound.

Nothing.

It's almost as if I hadn't told.

I run my fingers along the trim surrounding the window. It's smooth, except for one spot, where it's chipped. It's just a little spot, but it ruins the smoothness.

One little thing can ruin something big.

One little crime can ruin someone's life. It ruined mine. I will never, ever, be the same.

A rain drop hits the window, making a small 'plink' noise. I let out a breath, and the room gets louder. More raindrops hit the window. Somebody puts the breakfast dishes away downstairs. Footsteps. On the stairs. My door opening. My mom.

"Clary." She says, sounding sorry. I don't want her to be sorry. I don't want her here at all. I want to sulk, and be depressed, and think about how my life's about to change forever. I wish they hadn't found out. I could've denied it for a long time.

"It's time to go."

Time to go back to trial. Time to see what they say. With my luck, they'll say it's my fault, just because of all the lies that lying son of a slug-face told them.

Before I know it, we're in the car. On our way. I have a pit in my stomach and it's slowly getting bigger. The stoplight turns red, and I look out the window at a billboard.

It's an add for a hospital. The kid on the sign has his head to the side, and his mouth open, showing only his big white teeth. He has big eyes and way to dark skin for somebody with black hair. His eyebrows are way too bushy, he has a neck like an happiness is fake. No kid is happy to get a shot.

He looks happy though. I wish I could look happy. For a minute, at least.

It sure makes me feel better to make fun of him. Maybe if I can find faults in other people, It will erase the faults in me.

The smiling kid is soon left behind when the light finally turns green. My mom pulls into the court parking lot and parks the car, I hesitate before getting out.

I have to go. I know that. But I don't want to.

Once I am sitting on the familiar uncomfortable, sticky bench, the pit in my stomach has consumed my whole insides.

The judge appears and hits his gavel on the desk. He looks sweaty already, and we haven't even started. I'm not sure if I should look across the isle.

Sebastian's here today. I want to look, and see the scared look on his face, but I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid he won't be scared.

I can hear the litle engine that could chanting in my head. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I swallow, and the pit in my stomach shrinks a little.

They've already started and Sluggy is up front telling more lies.

I suddenly have enough courage to look, even if only for a second. So I do.

He's sitting on the bench across from me, with neither a smile, nor a frown on his face. His mouth is a perfect line. His eyes look completely normal.

He doesn't look scared at all. More, bored.

Suddenly, he turns my direction, and even though I want to turn away, I can't.

The corners of his mouth turn up in a smirk, and his nostrils flare. Then, he winks.

My eyes open as wide as humanly possible, and my pupils take them over. His tongue leaves the inside of his mouth, and makes its way over his top lip.

I let out a gagging sound, before going completely stiff and sliding off the bench. My mom notices, and tries to help me up, but the second she touches me, for some strange unexplainable reason, I start screaming.

There is no way I will be able to talk after this.

The judge is yelling, hitting his gavel on the desk so hard it's about to split in two, and a big crowd is gathering around me, trying to get me to stop.

"Clary!" My mom is shouting.

BANG BANG BANG

The judge rises from his seat and shouts,

"Clarissa Fray, if you do not stop screaming, I will have to charge you with contempt!"

I can't stop though. Nothing could make me stop. I want to stop, I just...can't.

"Clary, honey, why are you screaming?" My mom is shouting over the sound of me screaming, the jury gossiping, and the judge yelling.

"He-he-He winked...he winked at me!"

If this were a cartoon, I'm pretty sure my mom would have a huge question mark over her head.

My screaming dies down, but I'm still crying. My stomach is lurching around with each and every sob, almost as if somebody has a rope tied around it, and keeps jerking on it.

My Mom is on the ground with me now, my head in his lap. She's rubbing my arm and whispering something, but I break free from her grasp and lean forward, before letting the contents of my stomach out onto the burgandy carpet.

I have never cried this hard before. Not even when it happened. I didn't even know you could cry until you threw up. But apparently, you can.

By now, the jury has filed out of the room, and My mom, Kate, the judge, Jace, and myself are the only ones left in the room. I didn't even know he was here.

_Why wouldn't he be here? He's been here every day._

Why do you always have to talk when I'm in a bad mood?

_Just because. Besides, it your brain that makes me talk. You're the one with the problem._

I already know that, thank you very much.

_Just trying to help. **Somebody **had to make it clear._

I ignore the voice, and wipe my mouth on my sleeve. I'm still shaking, but everybody around me is relaxed.

"Let's go home for a little bit." My mom suggests.

"I don't want to go home." I say, after a long pause. My mom looks surprised.

Of course I don't wanna go home. He stayed there, he touched things, he's all over the place. I can't go home and see his pictures, smell his smell. I can't.

"I wanna go to Jace's."

"What? Jace?"

I nod, and try to get up. In less than a second, Jace has moved from the corner of the room, to my side. He extends his hand, and this time, I quickly take it.

"Clary are you sure you wanna go there? I mean Izzy and Alec are home.." He said to me wit his eyes full of concern.

"I know I don't care... I just can't go back to my house.." I said looking back into his golden eyes hopeing he gets the message i'm sending with mine.

He nods. I wrap my arms around his waist and he puts his arm around me and i hold for dear life on to him and we walk towards his car.

Jace's house is nice. Everything is so...new. And clean. Everything is so shiny you can see your reflection in it. Even the floors.

His couch is comfortable. It's black leather, matching all the other furniture.

I'm almost asleep when Jace returns with a blanket. He drapes it over me and sits in the chair across from the couch. Even with my eyes closed, I can tell he's staring at me.

"You can give up, you can't burn a hole in my head with your eyes." I say, my eyes still shut tight. He lets out a grunt, nothing more, and leaves the room.

His footsteps get quieter and quieter, and I know, that finally, I am alone. I have not slept this good in months. It's almost as if the house just gives off a vibe..like Jace does.

But before I know it, he's back in the living room, telling me we have to go back.

I am very anxious about goig back, but I figure, after what he did earlier, they aren't gonna believe that it was the tumor. Unless it can grow back in less than a week, he did this on his own.

I actually hoped it had been the tumor. That would mean it was the cause, and not me. Maybe I did lead him on a bit. I mean, he's seen me in nothing but a towel countless times. I've been in a bathing suit around him. It makes me feel guilty. I feel sick. But I'm not the guilty one. He is.

"Jace wait.." I said to him while grabing his hand in mine.

"Clary.. what is it? Are you okay?" he said stopping in front of me.

"I'm fine.. No i'm not.. I just need to know.." I took a deep breath " I'm just scared that despite what you say.. Your going to hope that the old clary will come back soon...and she might come back a little but i'm never going to be the same.." I dropped his hand and looked at the ground.

"Clary.. when this trial is over..I'm still going to be here for you.. I told you I love you and I know you probably don't feel the same way but trust me I'm not going to go anywhere. These hard times will go away eventually. You will have your scars and I know that. What happend to you isnt your fault and I'm not going to hold it against you."

He put his hand under my chin and I could feel him begging me to look up at him but despite my protest I do anyway.

"Jace.."

"Look we really have to go." He moved to grab his Jacket.

Before I knew what I was doing I found my lips smashing against his. I felt him kiss me back and it was then that I knew he meant every word he said.

After about a minitue He pulled away.

"You really like kissing me out of the blue don't you" he said while resting his forhead against mine.

I smiled " I love you too"

I grabed his hand and we both headed for the door.

When we made it back to the court room though. Any feeling of hapiness left and was replaced with fear and worry. What if despite what happened before the little break the jury decided that it was the tumor. Or the think that I'm just this little girl begging for attention and i'm the liar.

Jace was sitting beside me now holding my hand. My mom was on the other side of me playing with her ring. and there was Kate looking toward the jury trying to see if she could tell their decision by the look on their faces.

After a few more moments of Silence we all hear:

"Guilty." The jury decides.

There is a loud wooshing sound, as if every human being in the room has let out a breath.

I, however, hold mine. I want to let it out, but I have more to say, and my unspoken words are holding my breath hostage.

I spoke about this, now I have something else to say. The baliff leads Sebastian out in handcuffs, and everybody starts getting up from their seats. My mom turns to me, holding out her arms to give me a hug, but instead, with tears streaming down my face, I tell her.

I talk louder than is neccessary, but I want them all to know how different my life will be after this.

So I tell the entire room a secret I had been holding for days.

I Spoke.

**P.S: Well that's the end. Thanks again to everyone who read! Don't forget to leave your ending comments in a review! :)**

**P.P.S: Read my other stories while you are waiting for me to write the sequel or something! :)**


	17. Authors Note: Sequel News

Hey People!

Well I got like 5-6 votes for a sequel to this story and well an Idea just kinda popped into my head for it so I just figured whatever I'll do it. So That's basically it.

It should be up soon like later on today or tomorrow the latest it will be up is Sunday night. I already ahvethe first chapter written. I just needto go back and re-read it and see where i can add stuff and yeah. but anywho There you guys go! You People gots your wish. Yay! :)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read and has stuck with me thrugh this amazing writing experience. You guys are the best and I love you all for it.

Thanks again!

xxxx,

xxLostxLovexx


End file.
